Konoha's Guide to Everything
by Dark Angelic Kitty
Summary: Having problems in life? Well these guides have your answers! Learn tips and warnings as you read guides created by your favourite ninjas in Konoha! // Various Pairings Applied. // Viewer Discretion Advised.
1. Table of Contents

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 - Naruto's Guide on How to Be a Good Hokage---------------------- Pg 2

Chapter 2 - Sasuke's Guide on How to Deal with People-------------------------Pg 3

Chapter 3 - Sakura's Guide on Dates---------------------------------------------Pg 4

Chapter 4– Lee's Guide on How to Be a Gentleman ----------------------------Pg 5

Chapter 5 - Kakashi's Guide on Excuses to EVERYTHING ---------------------Pg 6

Chapter 6 – Jaraiya's Guide on How to Get "Inspiration" ------------------------Pg 7

Chapter 7 – Tsunade's Guide on How to Beat Up Idiots ------------------------Pg 8

Chapter 8 – Itachi's Guide on How to Be a Good Enemy -----------------------Pg 9

Chapter 9 – Acknowledgements and the Winner who got the most Review------ Pg 10

* * *

**Note: **Please pay heed to warnings and notes in each chapter. We highly recommend that you look at them first.

**More Notes: **Since this is the one and only Konoha Guide to Everything, to make it more interesting we decided to put some of other author's thoughts into each guide.

**Even more notes: **As you can, this book is special so all the writer's thoughts will be written out in script format.

**Just a few more notes:** The publisher D.A.K will only publish the chapters when she has time and feels like it, because she is too busy publishing other stories.

**Extra Notes: **Review, review, review! If you want to make the authors and the publisher happy, please review! And maybe….if you review a lot for Sasuke, he might fall in love with you! JUST KIDDING! Sasuke only belongs to Sakura! Hell yeah! But I'm not kidding about the author being happy when you review! Each author will compete each other on how much review they get so review for your favorite one!

**Last Note: **Ok I just forgot what I was going to say so….hehe

**Real last note:** I remember now, some of the tips in guides come from chain letters, but nobody really owns the chain letters the authors decided that it wouldn't hurt to slip some of those tips in. (Evil Authors)

**REAL last note: **The authors are referring to the characters in Konoha, D.A.K is just the publisher. So if you want to flame, flame them NOT the publisher! But I don't think you want to do that since they can go to your room at night and beat you up. After all they're ninjas and you're NOT! HAHAHA, in your face! I guess I just insulted myself too since I'm just not a ninja….darn…..

**Real last note (I promise): **You are free to try these tips out, but if the tips doesn't work, don't blame the publisher! Blame the authors!

**Ok, last note (A real promise this time!): **Only the guides that are mentioned in the table of contents will be published! Translation: If you want some other guide from another character not mentioned above then you won't get it….unless you really please the publisher and the publisher MIGHT go and ask the character to write a guide.

**LAST NOTE (For real!): **Hehe, I just wanted to add this for no reason……

**P.S Note: **Please enjoy….and if you don't find this humorous then please pretend that you had a good laugh and REVIEW!

**P.P.S** **Note: **Getting tired of notes? Ok, ok I'll stop now…..JUST KIDDING! Because I **LOVE** notes! Ok, I'll really stop now, but did I fool you! I bet I did, for now, bye bye!

The Guide to Everything Inc..,** ©** Published by Dark Angelic Kitty co. 2006-200X **©**


	2. Uzumaki Naruto

Warning: Violence. Language. Craziness. Lameness. Naruto.

* * *

-------- 

Naruto: Yo, yo, yo! This is the great Naruto here and I know present…..

**Chapter 1- A Guide to How to be a Good Hokage **

**Byyyy: Naruto the future NEXT TOP—**

Sasuke: Dobe

Naruto: Bastard, don't interrupt me! It's by Naruto the future NEXT TOP—

Sakura: Idiot

Naruto: Sakura-chan, don't be mean! It's by Naruto the future NEXT TOP—

Kiba: Fart bag

Akamaru: Woof! Bow wow! (Translation: Yeah, yeah, your fart stinks!)

Naruto: STOP INTERRUPTING ME! It's by Naruto the future NEXT TOP—

Lee: Japanese Model!

All: Ewww

Jaraiya: You know, you might be right Lee…his sexy no jutsu—

Naruto: I SAID SHUT UP ALL OF YOU! It's by Naruto the future NEXT TOP—

Hinata: H-Hokage…

Naruto: SHU—Hey…thanks Hinata-chan! Finally someone who understands me! **And now, I finally present Naruto's Guide on How to Be a Good Hokage**!

* * *

**10 Tips on how to be a Hokage**: 

**1)** Always dye your hair blond.

Sasuke: How does that make you a good hokage?

Naruto: Style! Sasuke, style! A hokage must always be in style! And blond is like the newest colour! Duh, I thought you were smarter than that Sasuke! Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Sasuke: Don't tsk me, you idiot!

Naruto: Like whateva! –Rolling his eyes—Now lets like, show my fans, like, the next tip.

Sakura: SHUT THE HELL UP! STOP TALKING LIKE AN IDIOT, IDIOT!

Naruto: -Whimpers- Ok, Sakura-chan-sama….

**2)** Always dye your hair blond.

Sasuke: You already said that, stupid!

Neji: -Sigh- Don't blame him, he was destined to be stupid.

All: -Nod- -Nod-

Naruto: Hey! I was just testing you guys to see if you were actually alert! Anyways…

**2)** Always have extra gas in your butt. It could be handy sometimes and could even help you win over your enemies! –Cough- Kiba –Cough-

Kiba: Hmph, what a stupid tip. I was unprepared that time! This time I got a little surprise! Oh yeah, show them baby!

Akamaru: Woof, Woof (Translation: I present….) (AN/ Sorry, I can't translate the rest.)

Naruto: What is it, that can withstand my outstanding fart attacks!

Kiba: THIS! THE ULTIMATE, SUPER-DUPER, FART REPELLENT MASK!

Naruto: Hahaha, that little mask won't repel my farts! I'll even prove it to you! Put that mask on and let me fart at your face! My fart is a millions times as powerful as normal farts! There's no way a mere mask can repel my fart! Bring it on! FART ATTACK!

-BAM-

Sakura: Idiots! If you even let a single puff of fart through that butt crack I'll give you A Thousands Year of Pain!

Kiba: -Snicker- -Snicker-

-BAM-

Sakura: Just because I don't really know you, doesn't mean I can't punch you, you immature dog!

Kiba and Naruto: Yes Sakura-sama.

Neji: -Sigh- Destined to be idiots for sure.

**3)** Establish Ramen stands everywhere-houses, streets, bathrooms, parks, EVERYWHERE! A hokage's goal is to unite all countries into RAMEN WORLD!

Sasuke: -Pfft- How stupid.

Sakura: Yeah!

Tsunade: You disgraced us Naruto…..

Naruto: Old lady, you're the one who disgrace—

-WHAM-

Tsunade: I'm sorry, I didn't catch what you just said, care to repeat it again?

Naruto: No Mommy……

**4)** Always look good in front of your enemies, friends, subjects, snobs, dog freaks, destiny freak, old ladies, girls, perverts, pandas, and bastards.

Lee: Subjects! We are not your youthful subjects! We are everyday citizens! And you are not our king! Oh woe is you! Don't let stupidity corrupt your youthful mind Naruto-kun!

Neji: Destiny freaks! –PUNCH-

Kiba: Dog freaks! –PUNCH-

Tsunade: Old ladies! –PUNCH-

Kakashi and Jaraiya: Perverts! –PUNCH-–PUNCH-

Gaara: Pandas! –PUNCH-

Sasuke: Bastards! –PUNCH-

Naruto: …………

**5) **A hokage must always protect everyone from enemies even if you don't like them.

Sakura: Hey Naruto, I have a question.

Naruto: Ask away Sakura-chan! Were you wondering about how I got all these great tips?

Sakura: No, I wanted to ask why are you writing this when you're not even the hokage.

Kakashi: Good question Sakura, I would like to know myself too.

Naruto: Yeah, good question.

Sasuke: The question was referring to you, moron!

Naruto: Oohh, Sakura-chan! How could you not know such an obvious answer?

Sakura: …..Because it's not obvious…..duh!

Naruto: Well I'll answer, **just for you**!

Sasuke: -Cough- _Back off idiot! _

Sakura: Sasuke-kun, are you ok?

Naruto: Anyways, hehehe….I'll just answer **for everybody**!

Sasuke: -smirk- _You lost again._

Naruto: Well you see everyone, I can write this because it's pretty obvious that I'm going to be the best hokage in the future! Mishi will bound to make me hokage!

Shino: So self-centered…..

Neji: -Sigh- He was destined to be self-centered…..

Naruto: Hmph, you're the one that's self-centered white-eyes!

Neji: Why you….

Naruto: Lalala -ignore- -ignore- -ignore-

**6)** Every hokage must be smart like me!

Everyone: -Cough- -Choke- -Gag-

Kiba: You almost failed the chunnin writing exam! I bet you can't even read!

Naruto: Oh yeah! Bring it on!

Sakura: Go Naruto go!

Naruto: Yay, Sakura-chan is cheering for me!

Sakura: You better not disgrace us…. –cracks knuckles-

Kiba: Ok! –Takes out his trusty flash cards- What does this say?

Naruto: Er….woof wow bow wow arooo……

Kiba: WRONG! Its woooof who-ao booow aro! Your 'aro' is too high! It should be deep—

-PUNCH-

Sakura: IDIOT! You're stupider than Naruto!

Others: -Nod- -Nod-

Shikamaru: How troublesome…I'll do the testing then…

Sasuke: Naruto might pass….

Kakashi: I think so too Sasuke.

Shikamaru: Ok Naruto, what word is this? If you get this right then you can prove that you can read.

Naruto: Ummm…..mmmm……Ociffers!

Shikamaru: What! –Looks down at his flash card-

Sasuke: Oh my god….-groans-

Shikamaru: ITS OFFICERS no OCIFFERS!

Naruto: Hey cool, I just invented a new word! Ociffers!

Everyone: Oh my god…. If we have a hokage that can't even read….we're dead….. Konoha is in ruins!

**7)** Now in order to be the best hokage there is, one must learn the ultimate SEXY NO JUTSU! It cool, its pretty, and its SEXY! But….as much as I, Naruto, the soon to be hokage, hate to say it…sexy no jutsu can sometimes fail….yes, yes….-sob- -sniff- BUT, never fear! Because of my greatness, I have invented a new jutsu! In the scene below, I will show you what this great invention is and when to use it. Mwahaha…anyone who learns this is indestructible! It is recommended for every hokage to learn.

Scene: Itachi and Sasuke's face off.

Sasuke: Damn you Itachi! I'm going to kill you!

Itachi: Foolish little brother, I would like to see you try!

Sasuke activated his sharingan and glared at Itachi. Itachi also activated his sharingan and glared at his brother. –Glare- -Glare- -Glare-

Naruto: Are you done with your staring contest yet!

Uchiha brothers: Shut up!

-Glare- -Glare- -Glare- -Blink-

Itachi: You lost.

Sasuke: Damn!

Naruto: Pfft, I can't believe you lost that pathetically Sasuke-teme!

Sasuke: Shut up! I would like to see you try!

Naruto: Bring it on! But I'll do it my own way! SEXY NO JUTSU!

Girlish Naruto: Hey baby, wanna go out with me? Mwah!

Itachi: Lame.

Sasuke: Dobe! You think you can beat him with that stupid jutsu! Who do you think he is! That stupid attack doesn't even work on me!

Girlish Naruto: What! Don't you think I'm the most beautiful woman you have ever seen! Don't you want a girl with a big ass and big--

Itachi: -Smirk- No, having me is enough. –Shows off his pretty face-

Girlish Naruto: Why you! Its time for plan B…

Sasuke: Plan B! I'm going to die just by watching your idiotic-ness.

Girlish Naruto: Hmph, I'm not an idiot Sasuke! And now get ready for my most ultimate attack! May I please have a drum roll!

-Drum Roll-

Girlish Naruto: I present you…KAWAII NO JUTSU!

Itachi:………….I think I'm in love…….

End of Scene

Sasuke: MORON! The script is soo stupid! –Activates Sharingan for real-

Itachi: I did not lose nor did I fall in love with you! –Activates Sharingan for real too-

Naruto: KAWAII NO JUT----

-PUNCH- -KICK- -STAB-

Naruto:………..

Kakashi: Naruto, I thought I have taught you better. It's all entirely your fault that you're dead.

DAK: I'm sorry, but Naruto had just died. May he now rest in peace. Due to the current situation here, we cannot continue this chapter. Sorry for you inconvenience and—

Naruto: I'M NOT DEAD YET!

DAK: Oh…what a surprise, it seems like Naruto suddenly became alive again.

Naruto: I never died! I will never die under the hands of those crazy uglies.

-PUNCH-

Naruto: WHY DID YOUR FIST HIT MY FACE, BASTARD!

Sasuke: WHY DID YOUR FACE HIT MY FIST, DOBE!

**8)** A hokage must always be himself.

**9)** A hokage must always have those funky hats on.

Sakura: Are you just randomly saying those tips because you can't think of anything else?

Naruto: Eheheheh….

Sasuke: For a moron, this is natural.

Neji: -Sigh- He's destined to be a moron….

Naruto: SHUT UP! I promise the next tip is going to be a good one!

**10)** The ultimate tip: A shinobi mustn't show his emotions….except for his love of RAMEN!

Sasuke: That was the most stupidest tip ever.

Naruto: Na uh! I bet you can't think of anything better!

Sasuke: Oh yeah?

Naruto: Oh yeah.

Sasuke: You're asking for it. Don't sulk when I get more reviews than you.

Naruto: In your dreams!

Sasuke: I'm not dreaming.

DAK: While they continue on, I would just like to say that comments and suggestions are highly appreciated! So please, if you have any suggestions or jokes, please put them into your reviews.

Naruto: You're such a loser Sasuke, you need suggestions.

Sasuke: I didn't ask for it, it was the publisher.

DAK: I'm not a loser!

Sasuke: We know, Naruto is the loser.

Sakura: Go Sasuke-kun!

Naruto: Sakura, why aren't you cheering for me?

Sakura: Because you finished your guide already. How the hell am I suppose to cheer for you?

Naruto: Good question…what's the answer to that?

Sasuke: Did you know that you're the stupidest person on earth? I bet you don't, since you're so stupid!

-Punch-

Sasuke dodged and punched Naruto.

Naruto: WHY DID YOUR FIST HIT MY ASS, BASTARD!

Sasuke: WHY DID YOUR ASS HIT MY FIST, DOBE!

And so the argument resumed and went on and on….

Neji: -Sigh- They're destined to be bastards and dobes……


	3. Uchiha Sasuke

DAK: Thank you all for supporting this guide! But first I would like to inform you that there has been some changes. First, this guide made by Sasuke would be a mix of tips on how to deal with people and comebacks due to some unknown reasons. Well, hope you enjoy it!

DAK Again: Ok, some of you are wondering why Itachi just suddenly popped out of nowhere. Well, if you had read my notes on the table of contents then you should know that **authors** and **characters** from Naruto would appear from time to time in guides to comment on the tips.

Warning: Weirdness, lameness, Naruto. Slight fluffs that are not for SasuSaku haters.

Second Warning: This chapter is **NOT** funny.

**Chapter 2-A Guide on How to Deal with People and Comebacks**

**Byyyy: UCHIHA SASUKE! **

Naruto: Hey, why didn't anyone pick on him! No fair!

Fangirls: Because we all love Sasuke-kun! -Squeal- –Faints-

Sakura: Go Sasuke-kun I'll be cheering for you!

Ino: Back off Forehead Girl!

Sakura: Why don't you piggy!

Sasuke: I don't want to write a guide.

Kakashi: If you don't I'll tell everyone your deepest secret!

Sasuke: I don't have a deepest secret, pervert!

Kakashi: Oh? Remember that time when you were walking in the forest?

Sasuke: ….. I walk in the forest everyday to train….

Kakashi: Fine, then remember the time when you were walking in the forest on a very hot day?

Sasuke: Everyday is hot in Konoha, idiot.

Kakashi: Grr…if you don't write this guide, I'll make you read Itcha Itcha Paradise! Mwahahaha!

_NOOOOOOO!_

Sasuke: Fine! Have it your way! I'm not like some sicko that likes to read those M rated books.

Naruto: Its R rated! Jeez, Sasuke-bastard I thought you were smart!

Sakura: Idiot! It can also be M rated! Why else would there be an M category on this website?

Naruto: Ehehehe…..

Sasuke: Ugh…you should be rated M too dobe….M for Moron.

* * *

**10 Tips on How to Deal with People and Comebacks**

If you ever meet a dumbass, punch them in the face.

If you ever meet an idiot, punch them in the face.

If you ever meet an asshole, punch them in the face.

Kakashi: Whoa…whoa stop. Sasuke, I don't think you got my meaning of writing a guide with **different **tips each time.

Sasuke: But you didn't specify to write **different **tips every time.

Kakashi: You know…I suddenly have an urge to share with you my ultimate favourite chapter in Itcha Itcha Paradise! It's about a girl and a guy making—

Sasuke: Shut up, shut up, shut the hell up _sensei_! I'll write a new guide with **different** tips ok! Happy now?

Kakashi: Good boy.

Sasuke: I'm not a dog.

Naruto: Haha, yes you are bastard!

Kiba: Hey! I'm a dog not him!

Everyone: …………

**Anyways!**

Naruto: Heh…I bet you can't even write a guide Sasuke-bastard!

Sasuke: What makes you think I can't dobe?

Sakura: Naruto! Sasuke-kun can sooo write a guide!

Ino: Dumb blond...

Naruto and Sakura: Speak for your self! -Snickers-

Fangirls: Yeah, yeah we agree with Sakura even though we hate her for being on the same team as our Sasuke-kun! Sasuke-kun can write a guide!

Naruto: No he can't! And here are the reasons why…he can't smile, he can't laugh but most of all…he CAN'T SING!

Sakura: Idiot! Why does he have to know how to sing in order to make a guide!

Sasuke: What makes you think I can't sing?

Everyone: 0.0 Sasuke can sing!

Naruto: Alright prove it!

Sasuke: Fine! Starting from now, **whenever you talk to me** I'll sing in reply!

Everyone: 0.0 Sasuke can sing!

Naruto: Haha yeah right! You really crack me up Sasuke! Ahahahaha….. you're even funnier than my ramen!

Everyone: -Eyebrows twitching- How can ramen be funny?

**ANYWAYS - Rewind**

Naruto: Haha yeah right! You really crack me up Sasuke! Ahahahaha….. you're even funnier than my ramen! Like hell you can sing! I can just imagine you standing there singing like a chicken!

Sasuke: -Smirk-

_For your big fat information_

_That's just your stupid imagination_

_So go back and take your medication_

_Before we go through hell-acation!_

Naruto: Hey, that's not singing!

Sasuke: Its called rap, you big fat!

Everyone: 0.0 Sasuke can sing…we mean rap!

Fangirls: Oh my god…we just fell in love all over again.

Naruto: Rap is not singing Sasuke-bastard!

Sakura: Yes it is! How did you think Eminem, 50 Cents, and other artists become famous then!

Ino: Yeah, Yeah!

Kakashi: Ok, ok stop…the readers are getting annoyed by all you're bickering! Sasuke, get to your guide NOW!

Sasuke: Fine, fine….

* * *

**10 Tips on How to Deal with People and Comebacks – FOR REAL**

Sasuke: Just to tell you, the three tips listed above are not bad ideas.

Kakashi: UCHIHA! Stop going off topic! GET TO YOUR GUIDE!

Sasuke: Yes mother….

**1) **Dealing With: Tardy or Perverted People

Example: Kakashi

Method:

A) You can punch them in the face

B) When you see him/her looking at something with a perverted gaze, smack them on the head. But if that person is someone you like, tease them.

Note: If Kakashi was the person, I suggest you go with option A.

C) When he/she arrive to the scene **late** you threaten them or blackmail them.

Second Note: If Kakashi was the person or anyone retarded, then do both and tell your parents. Also, punch them in the face while you're at it.

Kakashi: Do you have something against me?

Sasuke: I dunno…maybe YES!

Kakashi: Whatever, I have no desire to beat the crap out of you…now where was I in Itcha Itcha Paradise?

Sasuke: I hate you…

Kakashi: You hate everyone…

Sasuke: No I don't!

Kakashi: Hehe…I know your deepest secret!

Naruto: What? What! Tell me!

**Eye-catch: **Naruto is being ignored.

Sasuke: I don't have a deepest secret!

Kakashi: Is that so?

**2)** Dealing with: People who trash talk about you and laugh at you

Example: Sasuke bashers

Insult: "Look at him, he's soo gay! God, such a loner! Hahaha, what a loser."

Comeback: You laugh at me because I'm different, but I laugh because all of you shitheads are the same.

Inner Sakura: Oh my god…he know's what it feels like to be laughed at! I love you Sasuke-kun!

Sakura: Nice one! -Glares at Ino-

Ino: Great one! -Glares at Sakura-

Naruto: What! What! Tell me Sasuke's secret!

**Eye-catch: **Naruto is still being ignored.

Itachi: Not bad, foolish little brother. Wouldn't want a gay as a brother anyway.

Sasuke: I wouldn't be the one talking since you're the gay one!

**Another Eye-catch**: Sasuke just made another comeback! You can use that one too!

**3)** Dealing with: Fart heads and dead-lasts

Example: Naruto aka dobe

Method: A) Ignore them

B) Use the A Thousand Years of Pain to seal off their butt cracks

C) Punch them in the ass so they won't fart anymore

Naruto: MY FART IS PRECIOUS! Don't insult my fart! My fart is one hundred times better than yours bastard! Heck I can even kill you with my fart! Mwahaha feel my fart-wrath!

Sasuke:

_In your dreams you lump of mass,_

_I have always, always kicked your ass,_

_So I suggest you to stuff back your gas_

_Just go away and eat some grass!_

Fangirls: Sasuke-kun rules! –Dies of heart attack- -And comes back to life again much to Sasuke's disappointment-

Naruto: STOP INSULTING MY **WONDERFUL** FART!

Kiba: If you love it that much, then marry it!

Naruto: What! I can't marry her! How can I kiss her if we ever get married! She's just gas!

Kiba: Oh, so now it's a '_she_'!

Naruto: Heck yeah it's a she!

Sasuke: They don't get it….

Sakura: I don't get how they are so stupid.

Neji: It's expected, like I said before, both of them are destined to be idiots.

**4)** Dealing with: People who makes fun of your looks (because they are secretly jealous)

Example: A lot of people – not naming them

Insult: "Heh…you look like shit, your soo ugly! I feel sorry for you."

Comeback: If I'm ugly, then what are you? I sure feel sorry for your mom.

Ino: Wow Sasuke! I love you!

Sakura: Sasuke-kun, you're so good at this! I bet that would really hit that person hard!

Sasuke: Hn…

Fangirls: Sasuke-kun! You're soo hot! Nobody will call you names.

Sasuke: ……..

Kakashi: ….. –Giving Sasuke the eye-

Sasuke: What?

**5)** Dealing with: People who are overly obsessed with you

Example: Fangirls

Method: A) Run Away

B) Hide

C) Make out with some girl/guy so they will think you already have a girl/boyfriend

D) Murder them all!

Note: I suggest you go with option D

Kakashi: Hmm….so Sasuke I have a question…..

Sasuke: What…..

Itachi: Yeah me too little brother….

Sasuke: What…..

Naruto: Yeah, yeah! Come to think of it me three!

Sasuke: What! –Staring at them, eyebrow twitching-

Kakashi, Itachi, Naruto: Who would you make out with if your fan girls we're chasing you?

Sasuke: Obviously ---------

Fangirls: US!

**Eye-catch: **Sasuke just realized that he almost said the 'name' out loud.

Naruto: Shut up fan girls, answer Sasuke!

Sasuke: Mind your own business dead-last, before I kick your ass really fast!

Everyone: Wow, Sasuke's still rapping!

Fangirls: Coolest! –Run's towards Sasuke-

Sasuke: Cheh….whatever….get away from me….

**6) **Dealing with: A murderer who killed family members or someone dear to you

Example: My super duper detestable evil shitty pig eating brother aka Itachi

Method: A) Kill him.

B) Torture him then kill him.

C) Torture him, Stab him, kill him, and drag his super duper detestable evil shitty pig eating cut off head on the ground.

Itachi: I feel so loved little brother.

Sasuke: I'm going to kill you someday!

Itachi: Let's just see you try!

Lee: Oh, youthful brothers! Please don't fight.

Sasuke: How the hell did you suddenly pop out of no where?

Itachi: …….You have very fuzzy eyebrows…..

Lee: I know. (proudly)

Neji: Sigh…why am I destined to know these people.

Sasuke: Well, why are we destined to know you!

Lee: Oh good friends, lets not ruin our youth and be friends.

Sasuke: Egh……

Itachi: Anyways, back to the subject. You can never beat me!

Sasuke: I can and I will!

Lee: Youthful friends! What did I say! Rather then fighting your youthful life should be like this…..

**Lee's Version of the Uchiha Showdown: **

Sasuke finally meets Itachi in a forest. Both with their sharingan activated and are engaged in an EPIC battle full of sharingans, Uchiha's, and youthfulness.

"ITACHI!" Sasuke cried.

"SASUKE!" Itachi cried.

"LEE!" Gai cried.

"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee cried.

**CUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTT! **

**End of Lee's Version of Uchiha showdown **

Naruto, Sasuke, Itachi: How the hell did both of you thick eyebrows end up in "The" Uchiha showdown!

Lee: I'm not done yet! Let me finish the scene youthful people!

Sasuke: This is stupid.

Itachi: This is crap.

Naruto: This is time for ramen.

**Continuation of Lee's Version of Uchiha Showdown 2**

Recap: Sasuke finally meets Itachi in a forest. Both with their sharingan activated and are engaged in an EPIC battle full of sharingans, Uchiha's, and youthfulness.

"ITACHI!" Sasuke cried.

"SASUKE!" Itachi cried.

"LEE!" Gai cried.

"GAI-SENSEI!" Lee cried.

Waves appeared in the middle of the forest with a sunset background as the bothers ran and hugged each as well as the teacher and student.

**End of** **Lee's Version of Uchiha Showdown 2**

Everyone: ………

Naruto: I still don't get why both thick eyebrows are in the Uchiha showdown...

Kiba: How did the waves get in the middle of the forest?

Sasuke: You just ruined the great scene…

Neji: The destiny of Lee putting waves and sunsets in everything...sure is destined

Itachi: …….. –Utterly speechless for once-

Sakura: His eyebrows are thick.

Gai: Way to go, show them the power of youth!

Naruto: This is stupid…this is how the showdown SHOULD BE.

**Naruto's Version of the Uchiha Showdown**

Sasuke: Itachi! I'm going to kill you!

-Activates sharingan and chidori-

Itachi: Sasuke! It's the other way around!

-Activates sharingan and whatever his attacks are-

-Both of their stomach grows-

Itachi: Why don't we eat ramen first before we continue.

Sasuke: Good idea.

-Two bowls of ramen magically appeared and the Uchiha brothers ate them-

**End of Naruto's Version of the Uchiha Showdown**

Sasuke: That was lame, sooner or later the readers are gonna flame.

Itachi: I can't believe I'm even in this guide.

Naruto: What are you talking about! I think that scene was great! Ramen, ramen, ramen!

Sakura: Why can't you just shut up about ramen!

Ino: I don't get how ramen are so great...they make you fat!

Naruto: Sakura-chan, you don't know the beauty of ramen! Shame, shame, shame. And they do not make you fat! You just don't know what kind to eat! Next time choose Fat-free ramen!

Sakura: Shut up!

**7) **Dealing with: Annoying People (Bad kind of annoying)

Example: Dobe (Naruto)

Method: A) Punch them in the face

B) Insult them

C) Tell them to Shut Up

Naruto: Hey...bastard!

Sasuke:

_Shut up. Watchit, your bad karma_

_They say you don't want no drama,_

_Getting your ass kicked bya Uchiha,_

_You don't want that on your data_ -Smirk-

Naruto: -Scowl-

**8)** Dealing with: Annoying People (Good kind of annoying)

Example: ………. None of your business

Method: A) Annoy them back

B) Tell them that they're really annoying

C) Find a way to make them shut up…..

…..Additional tip from Kakashi: Shut them up by kissing them if they're the opposite sex…and—

Sasuke: Shut up! –Starts to go red--

Kakashi: So who's the kind of people with the good kind of annoyance?

Sakura: Yeah who Sasuke-kun! –Getting Jealous— -Glares at Ino-

Sasuke: Uhhh…. – Going red—

Ino: It better not besomeone I know! -Glares at Sakura-

Naruto: Who is it Sasuke?

Fangirls: Us!

Sakura: Sasuke-kun please tell me!

Sasuke: You're annoying Sakura.

People that are Smart Enough to Notice: 0.0

Sasuke: Damn…..

Sakura: Sasuke-kun! Tell me already, I promise I'll stop bothering you!

**9)** Dealing with: People who hate you for what you write or are

Example: Flamers

Method: A) Punch in the face (in your mind)

B) Make a nasty comeback hehe

C) Insult them

D) Ignore them

DAK: No comment…..

Sasuke: No comment….

Everyone: No comment…

**10)** Dealing with: Freaky Guys

Example: Oreo

Method: A) Punch them in the face

B) Use them, Gain Power, then Kill them

C) Stay away from them as far away as possible

D) Ignore them

E) Threaten them to back off

Orochimaru: Oh so now you're calling me Oreo, Sasuke-kun…how nice….

Sasuke: Hmph…you're gay…

Oreo (Since his original name is too long) : You're gay too!

Sasuke: I'm NOT!

Kakashi: Hehehe prove it Sasuke-CHAN!

Ino: Asuma-sensei! Sakura's sensei is bad-talking Sasuke-kun!

Sakura: Sensei! Sasuke-kun is not gay! How could you say that!

Sasuke: ……

Naruto: Sasuke-bastard…you can't smile, you can't laugh, but most of all you can't SING!

Sakura: Idiot! He doesn't need to sing to show that he's not gay!

Sasuke: ………

Naruto: But Sakura-chan! You know as well as I do that Sasuke-bastard never showed a sign to even like a girl!

Sakura: ……That hurt…… -sad-

Sasuke:….. –smirk-…..fine…dobe…today, you want me to show you that I'm not gay?

Naruto: Yeah!

-Takes Sakura and FRENCH kisses her-

Everyone: 0.0

Fangirls: AHHHHHHHH

Ino: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

SasuSaku fans: HELL YEAH!

-Breaks apart-

Sakura: Whoa….. –dazed-

Naruto: 0.0 …..He's not gay….

Sasuke: Hmph –Smirks widely-

Kakashi: I know your deepest secret….

Sasuke: I don't think its so deep anymore –Smirks again-

Fangirls still screaming,Ino still screeching,Sakura still in LaLa Land, Neji still trying to figure out destinies, Lee still fantasizing about waves appearing in the middle of a forest, Naruto still shocked, Kakashi still threatening Sasuke pathetically, BUT….

**Sasuke's Guide** **on How to Deal with People and Comebacks FINISHED! **

DAK: Told you guys it wasn't funny! Just very fluffy hehe….


	4. Haruno Sakura

Warning: Weirdness, lameness, Naruto. Very little R-rated stuff….and sick stuff.

Second Warning: Mostly made for girls to read but you can still read it if you're a boy and see what girls don't like...or if you're a gay person...err feel free to use the tips!

Third Warning: **COLD JOKES**!

**Gender Discretion advised... Those with GENDER ISSUES...please do not read...

* * *

**

DAK: Hohohoho

Naruto: Merry Christmas? It's not Christmas yet DAK!

DAK: Nahh I know...just trying out a new way to laugh hehe. Anyways back to business. There has been a request for Ita/Saku, what do you think Itachi?

**Eyecatch: DAK is taking on the role of being a reporter as well as a publisher! **

Itachi: Hmm...it could possibly work.

Ita/Saku fans: Itachi and Sakura...Hell YES!

Sasuke: -glare- -glare- -glare-

Sakura: -blush-

Itachi: But...I'll just pair up with Sakura in some other fics.

Ita/Saku fans: Whyyy! Itachi-kun! You can't do this to us!

DAK: And there seems to be complaints about Sasu/Saku, what do you think Sasuke?

Sasu/Saku fans: NOO! Sasuke and Sakura forever!

Sasuke: ...–Activates Sharingan-

Sakura: -blush-

DAK: And there you have it folks! Responses to your reviews! Oh and I might just ask Neji to write a guide...MAYBE!

Extra Note: Sakura's guide is also going to have tips on how to be a cool ass-kicking girl and boys due to some strange unknown reasons.

Extra, Extra Note: If you're not a girl and not a homo of any kind, please go to Lee's guide that's for boys. But if I haven't published that chapter then haha too bad for you! Make do with this **girly** chapter hehe. I'm so evil. :)

* * *

**Chapter 3 – A Guide on Dates, Boys, and How to be a Cool Ass-kicking Girl **

OR if you're a boy...

**Chapter 3 – A Guide on Dates, Girls, and How to be a Cool Ass-kicking Boy**

OR if you're a gay/lesbian/bisexual….

**Chapter 3 – A Guide on Dates, Lez, Gay, Bisexual, and How to be a Cool Ass-kicking homo! **

**Byyyyy: HARUNO SAKURA!**

Ino: AKA Forehead girl.

Sakura: Shut up Ino-pig!

Naruto: Go Sakura-chan!

Lee: May the force of Youth be with you!

Everyone except Gai: Errr...

Gai: You have learned well young Obi-Lee, may we conquer over Darth Kakashi and triumph with Youthfulness!

Everyone and Readers: Errr...what the heck are they talking about.

Naruto: Chehh...of course he's talking about Star Wars! Jeez and I thought you guys were smart! Heh...I guess I'm smart after all!

BAM!

**Eye-Catch: **Stars swirled around Naruto's head as he collapsed. Man...he really is in star wars...

ANYWAYS!

DAK: I don't really like star wars...my brother does...and he drives me crazy with them twenty-four seven, that's how I know them...so I just thought why not make use of this hehe...

Sakura: Ahem...you can all ignore the stuff up there. And now I present!

* * *

**10 Tips** **on Dates, Boys, and How to be a Cool Ass-kicking Girl (If you're a Girl)**

Sakura: I will only write a guide for girls since I don't know how to write a guide for a boy or for a homo...so just use your imagination!

**1)** When you go on dates, be sure to dress nice. If it's a date with a new guy, NEVER say yes if he wants you to go to his house or have any 'close' intentions with you. A kiss is fine, just not...yeah...you get what I mean. It's for your safety AND... it keeps the guy waiting. Make them wait. And errr...when you finally have 'close' intentions it will be err...more enjoyable. Yes, yes anyways...PLUS... the most PLEASUREABLE thing of all is watching them **SUFFER** while they wait!

Inner Sakura: Hell yeah...mwahahaha...

Naruto: Sakura-chan can be scary sometimes... -whimpers-

Sasuke:... _I never knew she had an evil side within her..._-smirks-

Naruto: Sasuke you pervert! I saw you staring at Sakura-chan! What are you thinking now? –Points a finger at him-

Sasuke: I'm not thinking about anything, you stupid thingy-majigy!

Everyone: 0.0 What! STILL RAPPING! –Gasps-

Sasuke: -Smirks-

Naruto: Don't tell me FRENCHING Sakura-chan wasn't enough for you! What! You want to SPANISH her now!

Sakura: Idiot! There's no such thing as a Spanish Kiss!

–Wham-

Ino: Stupid! Sasuke-kun wants to kiss me not Sakura-chan!

–Wham-

**2)** Boys...generally classified as stubborn, dense monkeys who does not know them pain of girl's monthly period and pregnancy. Here's a future reference... if you decides to get married and have a baby, be SURE to have your husband stand beside you when you are giving birth to your child. When the baby is about to come out, grab his arms and bite him. Let him feel your pain!

Inner Sakura: MWAHAHAHA

Boys: -Hides behind the trees –

Itachi: Feisty...

Sasuke: -Glare!-

**Eyecatch:** Male monkey's swinging around everywhere.

Ino: -Eyeing Shikamaru-

Shikamaru: Yawn.

Ino: Its...time...for you...to feel my pain! Let's see if you'll mock me in the future every time I have my monthly landslide!

PUNCH. STAB. KICK.

Shikamaru: -Currently unavailable-

Neji: -On the verge of trying to figure out Sakura's destiny-

**3)** Here are some things you can say when a detestable monkey asks you out. (Of course, not every boy are detestable monkeys)

Detestable Monkey: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

You: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

-----

Sakura: Now a cool monkey wouldn't say that! They will try to be original and---

Naruto: Sakura-chan!

Sakura: What? Didn't I tell you not to interrupt me? Hurry up, I need to explain to the readers what's the difference between a cool monkey and a detestable monkey.

Naruto: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Sakura: ...And there you have it...a perfect example of a detestable monkey.

Naruto: So...Sakura-chan... –Obviously not aware that he was just dissed-

What's kind of heroes do you like?

Sasuke: Definitely not a monkey like you, Naru-poo.

Sakura: W-Well...Sasuke is my hero...and I guess you're my hero sometimes, Naruto...SOMETIMES...

Naruto: Wow, I'm your hero!

Sasuke: Whoa...he's your hero!

Naruto: Buya Sasuke! In your little gay face!

-Starts dreaming about being Sakura's Hero-

Naruto: I can imagine it now! Sakura's in trouble and I'm going to save her along with my little sidekick!

**Naruto's SAD Imagination of Playing Sakura's Hero**

The start of drama! Suspenseful opening theme starts to play. Oddly, the Powerpuff Girl's theme starts to play. Scratch that...Powerpuff Girls doesn't exist in the Naruto world...instead WE HAVE...

♪ Fighting crimes, trying to save the world and they were just in time! The NaruPuff boys! NaruPuff! ♪

And the action begins!

Sakura: Ahh help me! A big giant furry slug that looks like an eyebrow came and attacked me! Oh mama...how I wish somebody will come and save me from this awfully furry slug! Somebody help me! Save meee! Ahh...the eyebrow I mean slug is eating my purse! Oh, woe is me!

Someone with blond hair and whiskers: Don't worry madame in distress! **I **no...**We **have come to save you! Although my sidekick is not important...but don't worry the NaruPuff is at your aid!

Sakura: Naruto? Is that you? Sasuke? Is that you?

Someone with blond hair and whiskers: NO! Sakura-chan! It is not the great hokage Naruto! But **I**! **RAMEN MAN** and his trusty sidekick...**TOMATO BOY**!

**Eyecatch**: NaruPuff themes disappears and being replaced by the Batman theme!

ANYWAYS!

Ramen Man: Mwahaha...evil furry slug! Today is the day you're going to perish! Let the power of Ramen destroy you! Hiya! Skinny Noodle Attack!

Tomato Boy: Rotten Tomato attack...

Ramen Man: Hiya! Fat Noodle Attack!

Tomato Boy: Rotten Tomato attack...

Ramen Man: Hiya! Not so fat and not so skinny noodle attack! Sasu...I mean Tomato Boy! Show some emotion! Feel the fiery action of the battle! Feel! Feel damn it!

Tomato Boy: Rotten Tomato attack...

**Eyecatch**: What's this! Evil furry Slug has eaten the rotten tomatoes because Sasu...I mean Tomato Boy can't FEEL!

Ramen Man: Damn you Sasu...I mean my trusty Tomato Boy! I told you to feel! Oh no, oh no...whatever shall we do!

**Another Eyecatch: **What's this! Evil Furry Eyebrow has EATEN Tomato Boy because again...he can't FEEL!

Ramen Man: Oh no! Oh my! Oh me! Oh kami! Oh Tomato Boy! Evil slug! I'll make you pay for what you did to my Tomato Sidekick!

-Power of Ra-kyubi Unleash! –

**CUUTTTT**

Readers: Ahhh, our eyes are burning! It burns! It burns!

Sakura: What the heck Naruto no Baka! I'm not that helpless!

Sasuke: To-To-TOMATO BOY! What the hell is a tomato boy!

**Eyecatch**: Sasuke is so pissed off that he temporary can't rap anymore.

Naruto: -Gasps- Sasuke bastard don't know the glory of being Tomato Boy! Readers! Hear that! Uchiha Sasuke Bastard doesn't know the GLORY of being TOMATO BOY! The world is ending!

Readers: Ahhh...its still burning!

Sakura: Yeah, yeah...I wouldn't be too thrilled to be Tomato Boy either...ANYWAYS...I need to get on with my guide. So be quiet Naruto!

Naruto: What's a 'baka'?

Sasuke: You're a baka!

Naruto: So a baka means...you're a baka? I don't get it... -Scratches Head-

Sakura: It means stupid!

Naruto: Ohhh! Interesting..

Sasuke: He doesn't get it...-Eyebrows twitching-

ANYWAYS!

**4)** If a cool monkey asks you out, he'll say something ALONG these lines...

Cool Monkey: Hey...is it hot in here or is it just you?

Note: A cool monkey never says hi or hello! Except for some rare ones out there. But generally NO!

Your reply: -blush- Are you suggesting something?

Cool Monkey: I dunno...you...me...movies?

Your reply: Hn...maybe. –Blushes even harder-

Note: If you don't blush then it won't work! BLUSH!

Cool Monkey: Friday, seven o clock?

Your reply: Better not be late! See yah. (Or however you like it, doesn't matter)

Inner Sakura: Go cool monkeys! Hell yeah!

Naruto: -Still dreaming pathetically about being Sakura's hero despite being called a 'baka'-

Sasuke: I think he's dead...

Kiba: -Poke-

Naruto: -Drool-

Kiba: -Poke-

Naruto: -Drool-

Kiba: -Poke-...Yeah I think his brains just died.

Sasuke: What are you talking about? His brains died a long time ago.

Neji: -Still on the verge of trying to figure out Sakura's destiny-

Obi-Lee: Oh youthful Naruto-kun! Snap out of it! Oh Gai-sensei, the force of youth has left him!

DAK: Somehow Lee's name changed to Obi-Lee for some unknown reason.

Gai: Don't worry young obi-Lee, youth shall prevail! Watch as I send powers of youth through his body!

-Send- -Send- -Send-

Naruto: ...Ramen... –drool-

Lee: Not enough youth, Gai-sensei!

Gai: More youth it is!

-Send- -Send- -Send-

Naruto: Waha! I just remembered the sequel of the play!

**Continuation of Naruto's SAD Imagination of Playing Sakura's Hero**

Recap: Sasuke had just been eaten by a Big Furry Slug! And now, the great Ra-kyubi has been unleashed!

-Ra-kyubi unleashed-

DAK: Naru...I mean Ramen Man's hair turned to long noodles, his arms and legs turned into bottles of salt and pepper, and his body turned into a…………….a……bag of flour!

Ramen Man: Mwahaha...feel my noodle wrath!

Big Furry Slug: Who wants to feel your noodles!

Readers: -Gasps- It can talk!

Ramen Man: Don't worry readers, because super Ra-kyubi is on the job! Salt and Pepper attack!

DAK: Instantly Ra-kyubi's arm or err...bottles rotated a three-sixty and masses of salt and pepper hit the Big Furry Slug!

Big Furry Slug: -In slow motion- Ohhh noooo...I'm dying...–Dies-

Sakura: My hero! I love you Ramen Man! You and your sexy noodles!

DAK: And so, NaruPuff managed to save the day!

–PowerP--- No, NaruPuff's Ending Theme Song Beings to Play-

♪ Ramen Man, he is the hot and sexy leader,

Tomato Boy, he is the emotionless vegetable,

Furry Slug, it's...its just a evil slug,

NaruPuff saves the day…..

Fighting crimes, trying to save the world

Here they come just in time, the NaruPuff boys

NARUPUFF! La la lala lah la lah. ♪

**End of** **Naruto's SAD Imagination of Playing Sakura's Hero**

Lee: Ehh...Gai-sensei...I think you put too much youth in him.

Kiba: What happened to Tomato Boy!

Naruto: Oh he died and went to Tomato heaven.

Sasuke: You are so dead! Once I get through with you, you'll wish you were never bread!

DAK: I think I spelled 'bread' wrong...oh well...anywho...

**Eyecatch**: Sasuke starts to rap despite that he's angry! Holy shocker!

Reader: -Gasps-

Sakura: Stupid idiot! You tainted my guide!

Ino: I pity you forehead girl...

Sakura: Shut up pigster!

Ino: PIGSTER!

Sakura: Yeah, PIGSTER!

Ino: You wanna fight!

Sakura: You wanna die!

Obi-Lee: Oh prettyful girls! Please don't fight! Instead lets all look forward to the power of youth!

Everyone: Err...dot...dot...dot...

**5)** A tip on how to get guys. But this tip is mostly for guys that have a bad background. So if you hear someone asking your crush something about their past or family, and if your crush is reluctant to answer, you quickly change the subject. Guys would really appreciate that.

Ino: Wow, Forehead Girl...never knew you know this much about guys.

Sakura: That's because you don't know anything Ino-pig. I have a lot of resources hehe.

Ino: Why you! Well you know what? I know one thing is for sure though! I know that Sasuke-kun doesn't like you!

Sakura: What! Who said!

Naruto: -Sigh- Why is it always Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke!

Sasuke: Because your too stupid, idiot!

Naruto: Why you little bastard! I'm not stupid, chicken hair!

Itachi: Shame...my little brother has chicken hair...tsk tsk tsk...hate him, detest him, and insult him little brother. It's the way of every Uchiha.

Sasuke: Shut up and go away! If I have chicken hair then you have turkey hair! Obviously, yours is much spikier than mine!

Naruto: So? You're still a chicken! Sasuke Squable Squable! Hey I like that new name! Hey Squable Squable!

Sasuke-Haters: -Chants- Squable! Squable! Squable!

**Eyecatch**: Sasuke in a big chicken suit eating corn off the ground. -Cluck-

Kiba: Hey do you know the chicken dance?

Naruto: Of course! Who wouldn't know the chicken dance!

Sasuke: Will you and dog-freak just shut up?

Naruto: No, and you know what? Its pay back time! Oh yeah baby! Kiba, lets go!

DAK: Americans! Shame on you if you don't know the chicken dance! Joking, but you should have heard it before, in your life!

More DAK: Ok...since this is just a 'book' on a site, and the readers can't hear sound of whatsoever, Naruto and Kiba requested me to tell you guys to imagine a big stage with Sasuke dressed up in a chicken suit with big lights, bit stereo and big chicken suits!

Kiba: Ready Naruto!

Sakura: -Stops fighting with Ino- What are you guys doing?

Naruto: Sakura-chan, get ready to see the bestconcert in your LIFE!

**At the Pretend Stage**

**-**LIGHTS- -CAMERA- -CHICKEN!-

Naruto: Ah ONE…Ah TWO….Ah ONE, TWO, THREE!

Naruto & Kiba:

♪ I don't wanna be a chicken,

I don't wanna be a duck,

So I shake my butt! ♪

-Sasuke dancing around in a chicken suit-

Squable, Squable, SQUABLE!

**End of Concert!**

Sakura: Ahhh...Naruto! How dare you insult Sasuke-kun!

-SUPER POWERFUL ASSPOKE!-

Naruto: Wahhaaaaaa...I got a wedgie!

Sasuke: STUPID TURKEY!

-A THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN-

Naruto: Wahhaaaaaa...I got a double wedgie!

Kiba: Hehe...I'm not in trouble.

Sasuke: Who said? –Sharingan Glare-

Kiba: Ehehehe...well look at the time! What do you know! I need to pee! See yah!

-Poof- And Kiba was gone.

Kakashi: Eh, Naruto...I have a question. Why is it called the chicken dance when the lyrics says, 'I don't wanna be a chicken...etc. etc.?'

Naruto: Because that's really how the song goes! How am I supposed to know? I'm not a chicken!

Sasuke: Grrr... –JAB-

Naruto: Wahaaaaa...triple wedgie!

**6)** More comebacks to detestable monkeys who are trying to ask you out.

Detestable Monkey: Is this seat empty?

You: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

Note: Of course...You say YES if that monkey is a cool monkey or your crush!

**7) **Ok, cool-ass kicking girls! If your date or whatsoever pissed you off during your date, act coldly towards him and if he's really a jerk desert him or give him a 'friendly' slap.

But if you're too nice to do any of those wait for the opportune moment! Here's what I mean, when you guys finish your date, your man will say something along the lines of this:

Stupid Monkey: Hey baby, your place or mine?

You answer: Both. You go to yours and I go to mine.

Inner Sakura: Hell yeah baby! Smack him in the face like he's never been smacked before!

**8)** Ok, enough with stupid monkeys. There may be a time in your kick-assing life where you'll break up with a guy. Sadly yes. Well, I would just have to say to you girls out there! Don't be depressed and move on with life! He's not worth it! He's just a bunch of shitty poo!

And so always remember: **BE** the **DUMPER **not the **DUMPED**!

Because **A)** It makes the guy look bad **B)** You will feel better for sure! **C)** You won't be humiliated! **D)** MAKE THEM SUFFER!

**9) **Girls...here are the sad truth. Girls will always be inferior to men. Yes, how sexist! But anyways, there might be the time where you will be attacked. So it is essential for girls to know every single weak point on a man's body! Let's start on the top.

The Head

First option: Ok, you elbow is one of the strongest places in your body. If you're tall enough, jab them with your elbow! Might I add...HARD! Your life is at stake here girl!

Second option: There is a weak spot below every person's chin. Punch over there and the boy will have a hell of a time! That should keep him going hehe.

Third option: I recommend you wear high heels every time you go outside. High heels can be a very CRUCIAL weapon in a woman's life! If you're attacked, immediately take off your high heels and...you all know what to do! BOOMARANG! Hit them, throw it at them, jab them with the heels!

Note: Aim for the eyes. ;)

Moving on...

The Upper Body

First Option: For those that don't really have the strength to fight, just remember...another one of the strongest part on your body. Your mouth! Besides all the kissing and frenching or 'spanishing' mouth can be important in other ways too! Such as biting, crunching, and so on.

So if someone has their arms around you, bite them! Unleash the power in your jaws!

Second Option: Elbow them in the abdomen.

Third Option: There is a certain pressure point under on their arm pit. So if they raise up their arm, punch them at that place as hard as you can!

Ok...next it's supposed to be 'the part' but I'll leave that to the last. So let's skip to...

The Feet

Well there's really not much about the feet except all you can do is step on it.

Another important point of why you should wear HIGH HEELS! A girl's greatest shoe accessory.

And...now...the place where every girl is dying to know how to attack... (Sarcasm)

The Stick and Stones

There are actually only TWO ways where you can defeat this body part. But you can be creative if you want...ehehehe...

First option: Knee them! Oh man...that WILL hurt like hell.

Second and the most IMPORTANT point: Girls, I repeat...Girls...pay attention, cuz this move will one day save your life! This move has a three-word name so its easy to remember and do. Pay attention now!

If your male attacker, or male kidnapper is wearing tights or nothing...first thing you do ignore the ugliness...second...run up to him...and third...here comes the move..you...

**GRAB! TWIST!** AND **PULLL!**

You all know what I'm talking about! So I won't bother going in details...err unless you want me to...which is just weird.

OK! MOVING ON!

-Every character and reader is banned from saying their views on these great tips-

-Cough-

**10) **Oh god...for those dieters like DAK...don't be ashamed! But remember to control yourself even if your pigs and remember a girl's greatest motto when your eating chocolate or any type of food!

Always, ALWAYS, Remember: **A Second on the Lips is Forever on the Hips! **

----------

Sakura: Whew I finished.

Ino: Wow, the ending of your guide is sure lame.

Sakura: Who said!

Ino: I said!

Obi-Lee: Prettyful girls! What did I tell you about fighting!

Sakura: Oh yeah? –Ignores Lee-

Ino: Oh yeah! –Ignores Lee-

Sakura: Oh Sasuke-kun!

Ino: What are you going to do with Sasuke-kun!

Sakura: I'm going to make this ending as sweet as ever!

Ino: What! Don't tell me you're going to kiss him!

Sakura: Nahh...that is so yesterday!

Naruto: What are you going to do Squable Squable? –Pulls out a wedgie-

Sasuke: -Glare-

_"This is sadly the end_

_Hope you guys have reviews to send_

_I now have a To-Kill-Naruto-Business to tend_

_Hopefully it will help you rid of seeing Naruto's Butt-end."_

Neji: ...-Still unable to decided Sakura's destiny-


	5. Rock Lee

Warning: Weirdness, Lameness, Naruto, Bowl-shaped haircut and the word Youth.

Gender Discretion is advised...This guide is for guys, and...err...lesbians? Of course, 90 percent of this siteare girls. So feel free to read!

* * *

**Super Duper Important Note**: DAK is **NOT** a lesbian. She may be the publisher of this guide...but it was Lee who wrote this guide...not DAK... 

Let's leave it like that...ehehehe...

ANYWAYS

DAK (Not lez) : Hinata-chan...it seems like your pretty popular in the Konoha world even though you only appeared once in this totally awesome –cough- guide!

Naruto: Of course! What did you expect?

Hinata: -blush- -faints-

DAK: Ok, there you have it...Hinata-chan's reply...and on towards Lee's Guide!

DAK: And on towards LEE'S GUIDE!

DAK: LEE'S GUIDE!

-Poof-

-Drum Roll-

Lee appears with...

Everyone: Gasps

SHAVED EYEBROWS!

Cuuuttt...

Gai: Yeah right...as if Lee would ever shave his all prettyful eyebrow!

Obi-Lee: You got that right Gai-sensei!

DAK: Being an awesome –cough- reporter, it is my job to interview characters to let the reader know all about their fav. characters. So...let's start with the basics Obi-Lee. What's your favourite colour?

Obi-Lee: Yosh...that's a hard question...I guess...light green, dark green, forest green, grass green, green green, medium light green, brownish green, lime green, yellowish green, bright green, annndddd normal green.

DAK: Wow, that's a lot of greens...ok let's see...next question. What's your favourite type of clothing?

Obi-Lee: Jumpsuits of course! Preferably not too tight...it hurts my youthful reproductive system...and not to loose...it will make me look like an old man.

Naruto: Speaking of clothing...what the hell----

**Warning: Spoilers ahead. Please skip the next few lines if you hate spoilers until you see 'ANYWAYS' in big letters. **

Naruto: WHAT THE HELL WHERE YOU DOING IN THAT UGLY SISSY COSTUME SASUKE-TEME!

Sasuke: Chehh...its not my fault I have to wear that oreo-looking costume.

**Eyecatch**: Sasuke quit the rapping already.

Naruto: You're wearing a stupid little MINI-SKIRT! And a stupid little BOW on top of that!

Sakura: -Weeps-

Sasuke-lovers: 0.0 How dare you insult our Sasuke-kun! That costume looks hot on him! With that sexy floppy open shirt, and that totally awesome bows, oh oh and those out of the world sandals with holes at the back...HE'S PERFECT!

Sasuke: Shut up! I didn't have a choice ok?

Itachi: Sigh...to think my little foolish pussy brother would have such a depressing fashion sense. You bring shame to our family!

Sasuke: Aargh, I'll kill you!

Sakura: -Weeps- WHY ARE YOU SO UGLY!

Everyone: 0.0

**ANYWAYS!**

DAK: Back on track...Don't want those spoiler-haters to wait to long. Obi-Lee, has anyone ever ask you why you look like Gai?

Obi-Lee: Oh yes, of course. Lots of times.

DAK: So I know everyone is dying to know..._why_ do you look like him?

Gai: Let me answer that for Lee. The answer is very simple.

-Waves start to rise up out of nowhere...mysteriously-

Gai: Everything revolves around the saying: Like teacher like student!

-Waves crashes! And a sunset background magically appeared-

Kakashi: Isn't the saying supposed to be like father like son?

-Waves soon died down-

Gai: Wrong! It's like teacher like student! Rare handsome, youthful people like us get the privilege of having an awesome bowl-shaped hair cut and attractive eyebrows. Our perfect looks only live for a reason...to preserve the line of hot youthful people!

-Waves crushes yet again!-

Kakashi: -Goes back reading his Itcha Itcha Paradise-

-Waves officially died-

Obi-Lee: -Sob- Such a noble cause –Sob-

DAK: And there you have it folks once again. I bet you just learned something new about these two 'hot' youthful ninjas. Now, all of you are waiting for...Lee's guide! DAK signing out!

Hinata: -Recovers from falling unconscious- W-What's going on? I-I must be in heaven...strange...why is it green?

Obi-Lee: Yosh! And now I present...

* * *

**Chapter 4 – Lee's YOUTHFUL Guide on How to be A Gentleman **

**1)** Yosh! First of all my youthful readers, you can't really become a gentleman unless you become a successful, youthful girl magnet. And by doing that, you must of course, know what types of man a youthful girl is looking for. Well that's easy, generally a youthful girl is looking for a youthful man with lots of youthful looks so both they can be youthfully happy.

Which leads to one youthful conclusion: you must be a youthful good looking man. And by doing that, you must have the right hair, the right outfit, and the RIGHT eyebrows!

Ok, starting with the hair...I recommend you to get those awesome mushroom haircut or aka, bowl-shaped hair cuts.

For the right outfit, you should get spandex or jumpsuits. Girls REALLY dig those especially if you have abs.

Finally, the RIGHT eyebrows! NEVER ever shave your eyebrow. Oh, woe is you if you do. Shaving eyebrows is a grave sin in the manly world! Youthful girls also find it disgusting if you shave hairs on your body.

Naruto: Who would shave their eyebrows!

Sasuke: I dunno, generally only idiots would do that. –Glare-

Naruto: -Gasps- Sasuke-teme! How dare you accuse me of this fellow felony!

-Punch-

Sakura: Stop using 5-star vocabularies! And your using it all wrong!

Tenten: Lee, I don't think girls would dig guys in spandex...

Obi-Lee: What do you mean? I wear it all the time under my lovely, youthful green jumpsuit and girls dig me!

Neji: Destined to wear jumpsuits...

Lee: You should try wearing jumpsuits too Neji-kun! I think it suits you!

Everyone: 0.o

Orochimaru: Aa...I think its splendid! I like mushrooms. And furry little caterpillars on top of each eye are out of the world!

Everyone: 0.o

Oro/Lee Fans: Yeah, go go! Caterpillar eyebrows rocks ass!

Everyone: 0.olll...Oro/Lee fans?

**2) **Yosh! You know the saying: If guys aren't bad, then girls no like! Well...that's wrong, because it has no whatsoever youthfulness in it at all! If you want to look at a perfect youthful gentleman then look at Gai-sensei! If you want to look at an imperfect unyouthful gentleman than please look at Kakashi!

Most Girls: -Cough- Yeah...I'm going for Kakashi

Goodie Goodies: -Gasps- He has captured out hearts exactly! That smexy little eyebrow dude! Whohooo Gai-sama!

Kakashi: -Peers away from his soulmate: 'The Book'- Are you trying to say something Lee?

Gai: Stop eyeing Lee with that perverted gaze!

Kakashi: -Offended- How is my lovely gaze perverted! I bet girls would faint if I give them one of my hot gaze...see it even said so in this holy book!

Gai: Where!

Kakashi: Here!

Rule #01 in Itcha Itcha Paradise: First step to woo a girl. Make a girl faint under the hotness of a gaze.

Jaraiya: I'm so touched. –Sniff- I'm so glad my book has been put into a good use.

Tsunade: -Bam- Whatever...

Jaraiya:...Beaten under the wrath of a pinky. How sad. –cry-

Anyways!

**3) **Yosh! Hygiene. One of the most important points of being a good youthful gentleman. Girls hate men with major B.O! Worst yet….die under its deadly toxic smell. Yes…between all of you youthful manly man and me,I know it's sad that we generally stink. That's why deodorant was invented! So put the youthful holy product into good use! All hail deodorant! Youthful God did not produce deodorant for no reason! Deodorants lived for a purpose.

Tenten: Whoa...Lee-kun...where did you learn all these tips?

Lee: No one! Youthful guys learn all these tips naturally. Its part of the cycle of youthfulness.

Kiba: What's B.O?

Neji: Cheh...you have major B.O. Must be fate.

Kiba: Oohh do I? It must be a good thing then.

Naruto: Idiot, its 'Body Odor'! Even someone as simple-minded...not dumb..._simple-minded_as me knows these stuff!

Sasuke: Dobe...getting self-absorbed again.

Naruto: What did you say!

Sasuke: Pfft...on top of it all, he's getting deaf too.

**4) **Yosh! A true gentleman must avoid beer, wine, alcohol at all cost! You can drink some at times but it's a grave sin to develop a drinking habit! You never know what will happen!

Like you might get involved in the forbidden act of unyouthfulness before you get married! A very unyouthful thing to do! If you did it, you have no right to call yourself a virgin! It is out duty to preserve the lines of youthfulness!

Naruto: Jeez, what's up with you and the word youth and yosh? What does yosh mean anyway?

Shikamaru: You may have a kyuubi inside of you but you're sure troublesomely dumb. Yosh means ok in Japanese. Such a shame considering the fact that the person who created you was Japanese!

Obi-Lee: Don't look down on my youthful vocab! The Vocabulary of Youth is something great to look up towards!

**5) **Yosh! One of the natural acts of man and the enemy of woman: Burping. Depending on your youthful soul mate, you must find out whether or not your girl accepts the act of burping. In this world of youthfulness, burping can mean two things. Know this and your life would go much more smoother.

**First Definition:** A compliment to the cook and telling him/her that it the meal was good and that you're full by making a sound and ejecting out stinky gases out of your mouth.

**Second Definition:** A disgusting act of unyouthfulness where the poor victim has to run away in order to save his/her life from breathing in too much toxic odor because you farted with your mouth.

Sakura: Wow Lee-kun, I'm surprised that you know this much.

Sasuke: -Glares at Lee-

Naruto: Hey Sakura-chan. Do you like guys who burp?

Sakura: I don't know, maybe you should ask Hinata-chan over there. –Grins-

Naruto: Well...ok. Hey Hinata-chan, do you like guys who burp.

Hinata: W-Well...erm...n-not really...but if you like burping then I-I'm ok with it. –Blush-

Naruto: Well ok then. I guess if you don't like it then I won't let out my stinkinlicious burp.

Everyone: o.0

**6) **Yosh! Youthful gentlemans, there's going to be the time when you're bound to meet your worst nightmare: shopping for lingerie.

Jaraiya: I don't mind shopping for lingerie...

Kakashi: Tehe...I don't either.

Tsunade: PERVERTS! –Punch!-

Obi-Lee: Hey I'm not done with that tip yet!

Tsunade: Don't worry. Continue well I beat up these two piece of perverted crap.

Obi-Lee: Ok, lalala...as I was saying. Yes, shopping for lingerie...a man's worst nightmare.

But like all rightful man, you must go into the shop of horrors and painfully wait for your girl to finish buying those triangular shorts and those strappy objects known as...-shiver-...the bra. 0.0

Oh, but the youthful horror does not end there! Sometimes the girl would ask you for your advice, and you must! I repeat, you must, say comment on those horrific objects. That is the gentleman way, may the force be with you...

**7) **Yosh! There has come in the time of your life where you must face your worst enemy as well as your girl's best friend: pads. There will be the time where your girl will run out of pads, and she will **order** you to go to the nearest shop and buy it for her.

It's a wise thing for you to obey. If you don't, you won't have any idea how much spazz they can produce. I know its going to be painful buying that in front of every citizen in that shop especially if you're a guy...butthats life. It's better to go through the humiliation of buying tampons, pads, and Kodak then being spazzed at.

Tenten: Erm...Lee...its Kotex...not Kodak...Kodak is the name of a camera company...

Lee: Oops, my bad! Sorry folks...its youthful Kotex not Kodak...

Clueless Guys that Doesn't Even Know the Brand Names of Every Girl's necesities: What? Aren't they the same thing?

**8) **Yosh! When your girl cries at the movie, you can do the two following youthful things.

A) Cry with them.

B) Comfort them.

Girls: Awwwwwwww...If they cried with us then it would be so sweet.

Guys: I don't see how that works. Girls don't like sissies.

Girls: Pfft...guys don't understand us at all. SEXIST!

Obi-Lee: Ohh...and one more thing...girls hate sexists! So youthful manly man out there, don't be sexist! Don't say I didn't warn you!

**9) **Yosh! Youthful guys...its time to face the truth. Now, I know that this is going to hurt you deep but its better to tell you then not knowing. The moment of truth...girls don't dress pretty for guys.

Guys: -Gasps-

Yes, I know...so sad...the fate of youth...but at proms...girls dress for other girls to see, so that they can show off to other girls. But don't worry; you have a part as well. It's your job to make them look good and compliment them.

Number One rule: Be Youthfully Useful!

**10) **Yosh! Every year, most youthfully youthful guys go through the most stressful day over and that is...dun dun dun...Valentines Day! Here are some precautions and things you should do and not do.

Letters: If you want to write a letter to your youthful valentine, please proofread it at least 20 times. You have no idea how many times girls would read the letter over and over again, and would at least go over each word figuring out what you're trying to say when you mean one simple thing. Girls tend to think we're complex when it comes to letters and simple when it comes to romance.

Traditional procedures: Be cautious if you're planning to take your valentine out for dinner while giving them chocolate and roses. Girls like their youthful man to be unique in every other way. Flower and a youthful attitude are necessary.

Naruto: Haha, a youthful attitude. Sasuke-teme would never have that!

Sasuke: So? All you do is give your valentine a cup of ramen!

Naru/Sasu fans: Ohh...a lovers quarrel! How sweet!

Sakura: Sasuke' not gay! Although he has a gay costume in the recent manga, but he's not gay!

Sasuke: Is that a good thing or a bad thing? -Sweatdrops-

Naru/Sasu fans: Whatever –Pushes Sakura out of the scene- Sasuke loves Naruto!

Sakura: Heyy!

Sasuke: Argh, who wants to fall in love with you?

Naruto: I don't know, maybe you!

Sasuke: -Sarcastically- Fine, I love you so much that I'll give you my special valentine rap. Just for you!

Naru/Sasu fans: -Eyes shinning brightly ignoring the word 'sarcastically' – Aww Sasuke-chan, your so sweet!

Sasuke: Sasuke-chan? –Twitch-

Naruto: Aww I feel so special!

Sasuke: Aargh, here's my belated valentinepresant to you, gay-ass.

**Roses are red.**

**Violets are blue.**

**When God gave brains,**

**Where the hell was you! **

Naruto: Obviously, I wasn't born yet!

Everyone: -Twitch-

DAK: Awesome –cough- reporter DAK signing in. And there you have it!

Lee's YOUTHFUL Guide on How to be A Gentleman FINI!

* * *

PS: Sorry, for updating this after one month. Hope you guys laughed. I did this in a rush, sorry about that! 


	6. Hatake Kakashi

Warning: Lameness, Crazyness, Naruto, OOC, and English accents.

**Use the tips at your own risk! Konoha's Guide to Everything is NOT responsible for any circumstances you have suffered for using any of these tips. Mwahahah! **

-Cough-

Note: This guide is not funny...just wonderfully brilliant. (Quote by Kakashi)

* * *

Sakura: Hey, have you heard? 

Ino: What?

Sakura: DAK's internet got cut off!

Hinata and Ino: -Gasps- Who would do such an evil thing!

Sakura: -Whispers- Her mother...

Lee: Oh poor DAK, her youthful mother meant and did it in an act of love but cutting off the internet! Oh I fear DAK's life span has been shortened by ten years.

**Eyecatch: **Lee retired from being Obi-Lee since DAK is too lazy to type in the 'OBI' in from of his name.

DAK: -Nods- Sniff...I don't want to die young!

Tenten: That did not sense at all...

Neji: It was destined to not make sense.

"…"

Sakura: Hey, have you heard?

Hinata: W-What?

Sakura: There's going to be advertisements on this guide! Apparently famous companies asked DAK to put up small commercials on this chapter!

Ino and Hinata: -Gasps- No way!

Sakura: Way!

Hinata: -Faints dramatically-

Tenten: Your cousin just fainted...I think you should help her.

Neji: She was destined to faint and I was destined to watch her faint and not help her.

Tenten: You evil freak...you deserve to wear a jumpsuit!

Lee: Hey! Jumpsuits are cool!

"…"

Sakura: Have you heard?

Ino: What?

Hinata: …… (She fainted remember?)

Sakura: All of the tips are going to be preformed by characters by acting!

Ino: -Gasps-

Hinata: -Gasps in her dreams-

Tenten: Whoa...Hinata gasped in her dreams...

Neji: She was destined---

Tenten: Enough with destinies! –Pulls him away-

Neji Lovers: Why that lucky bun-head! She touched our Neji!

"…"

Sakura: Hey—mmmmm

-Struggles as Sasuke muffled her-

Sasuke: Sakura, you talk too much.

Sakura: What! It's just a-really-fast-way-to-spread-real-information!

Sasuke: More like, a really-fast-way-to-spread-almost-real-more-on-the-fake-side-information!

Sakura: B-But---

Sasuke: You're annoying.–Drags her away-

Ino: Why that little lucky forehead!

Lee: Oh my youthful god! Did you just say the WORD?

Ino: What?

Lee: You know…'the' word!

Ino: Oh, you mean fuc----- (beep)

DAK: Due to under-aged readers, we are not allowed to display acts of uncivilized yet colourful words fearing it may burn their youthful, innocent, little eyes. So we will sometimes distort the nature of these words to make it more civilized and more colourful for our dear readers. Thank you.

Lee: Ack! The word!

Ino: You stupid mushroom! I didn't say fcukly forehead! I said lucky forehead!

Lee: Ohh I see.

Naruto: Hey, who's doing a guide this time?

Shikamaru: Using my 200 IQ powered brain, I think its Kakashi...but I don't see him anywhere.

Naruto: He's late yet again! We have to find him quick before the readers get mad!

Shikamaru: I don't get it...your teacher can be late for anything. What the heck is he doing all that time?

Kiba: -Appears Suddenly- Hehe, I bet he has to go to the bathroom every morning to let out his stinky lump of shit sinc—

Poof!

Kakashi: And to answer that question and prove the stinkin' doggy brat wrong, I was late because...

Everyone: Because...

Kakashi: I got lost yet again on the road of life. –Scratches Head and Chuckles-

Everyone: -.-llll

* * *

**Attention! Attention! All of you have been waiting for...Kakashi's Guide! **

**Kakashi's Guide of Excuses to EVERYTHING! **

**1) **Conflict: When someone points out your weak points to others to make you less popular. Note: This usually happens to losers.

Setting: In a vast open green field with birds chirping and losers yapping.

Cast:

Naruto as the loser.

Gai as the fashion-know-it-all and a supporter.

Kakashi as the poor, innocent, handsome, and popular teacher who gets insulted.

Fangirls as Kakashi lovers and useless background.

**Act 1** -

Naruto: I don't get it...why is Kakashi-sensei soo popular? He reads perverted books with perverted thoughts. He has a mask which covers almost half of his mutinous face...and he has a jumpsuit rival.

Kakashi fangirls: His masks make him all the more mysterious!

Naruto: -Whines- But he's perverted!

Gai: No youthful shitt!

Kakashi: That's not the main issue here. Although I have to say that I can't help it if I'm naturally attractive despite my innocent, harmless flaws. To sum it all up, girls naturally dig me. –smiles under his handsome mask-

Gai: Do you know what would really make you handsome? A jumpsuit!

Fangirls: -Imagines Kakashi in a lime green jumpsuit-

"…"

Fangirls: Ewwwwwwwwwww

Kakashi: See? I don't need some jumpsuit help. I'm naturally beautiful that's loved by everyone. –Smiles angelically yet again-

Naruto: That's no excuse!

Kakashi: Aww, don't deny it Naruto. You're jealous of me. And I top it all off, I can make jumpsuits the new fashion if I start wearing it.

The Next Day…

Kakashi wears a jumpsuit dun dun dun!

Fangirls: -Drools- Lets all start wearing jumpsuits!

**The End—**

Sasuke: That was horrible...and perverted

Naruto: You're a bad script writer.

Sasuke: The characters were OOC.

Naruto: I know! He made me a loser!

Sasuke: Chehh, who said I was talking about you. I was talking about Gai and himself. Tch, way corny. Loser fits you perfectly.

Naruto:...HEY! I'm not a loser!

Sasuke: -Flashes the L sign-

**2) **Conflict: If you get caught in class sleeping.

Setting: In a lone classroom with paper airplanes flying around and the word 'youth' on the blackboard because it's the topic of the day as it is any other day.

Additional notes: Gai is trying to teach the class the equation of youth.

Cast:

Naruto as the loser and the tattletale

Sasuke as an average student who is not loved by fangirls.

Gai as the math teacher with huge granny glasses.

Kakashi as the extremely handsome student who accidentally slept in class because he was up all night studying.

What an angel. –Cough-

**Act 2—**

Naruto: Teacher, teacher! –Waves hands-

Teacher Gai: What is it, youthful student?

Naruto: Teacher, teacher the guy in the mask is sleeping!

Teacher Gai: How do you know? You can only see one of his eyes...actually we don't even know if he has two eyes or not. Same goes for the lips, the nose, the cheeks, etc. For all we know he may be a mutant.

Naruto: Haha an X-MEN! Anyways...but I'm sure he's sleeping! His eyes are closed!

Sasuke: No duh, as if he was sleeping with his eyes open.

Gai: Oh, how dare he! Sleeping in my youthful math class! Hatake-san!

Kakashi: Snore

Gai: Hatake-san!

Kakashi: I want lasagna...snore...

Gai: KAKASHI!

Kakashi: Cheese with Itcha—What what! –Wakes up-

Gai: One hundred laps around the school for sleeping in my youthful class!

Naruto: -Snickers-

Kakashi: -Looks Innocent- I wasn't sleeping teacher Gai! I was just meditating on the youthful statement and envisioning a new strategy to understand its youthful ways!

Gai: Oh what a youthful answer. Naruto! One hundred laps around the school for accusing this youthful student for such unyouthful crimes!

Naruto: B-But...

Kakashi: -Smirks- Works every time.

**The End—**

Naruto: I'm a loser again!

Neji: I guess its fate.

Sasuke: Chehh...average student!

Kakashi: That's right.

Sasuke: I am not an average student.

Naruto: Your right, you're a below average student!

Sasuke: At least I'm not a loser. –Flashes the L sign again-

Sakura: Sigh...boys...

**3) **Conflict:When you don't finish your food during dinner time.

Setting: In a normal looking dinning room with normal dinning table and abnormal food.

Cast:

Gai as the infamous Gai Mamma with a Japanese accent when he/she speaks English.

Kakashi as the infamously handsome little kid who could not finish Gai Momma's horrendous food to the best of his abilities.

He really tried. What an angel.

**Act 3—**

Gai Mamma: Ey Kakachi, you finich your food right-uh now!

Kakashi: B-But Gai Mamma!

Gai Mamma: No eeks-cuses! Tink about da poor kids in Aflika! (Africa)

Kakashi: B-But Gai Mamma I am! I can just send all my leftovers to those kids in Africa and everyone will be happy!

Gai Mamma: By da time you send it to Aflika, the food will be lotten! (Rotten)

Kakashi: B-But! –Starts to cry- Think about my poor stomach inside my body! If you don't over abuse it then I won't accomplish my dreams and help out those poor kids in Africa! (Yeah right)

Gai Mamma: Oh, such a youtful cause! –Cries and pats his/her son on the back-

**The End—**

Gai: What the youthful heck! I don't have an English accent.

Neji: Apparently, in the play you can't pronounce 'sh' and 'th' sound as well as the 'r' sound. How lame and yet strangely destined.

Tenten: Shut up about destinies!

**AD-ALERT! **

DAK: We will be taking a short break for about one minute since the actors are resting. In the mean time, enjoy the advertisements.

**Music Starts-**

**Neji's Byakugan can see through trees, but can he see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch? **

**Neji: Because they're destined to?**

**Kids: No! Because it has Cinnamon swirls in every bite! Yum!**

**Spokesperson: So come now and buy your own Cinnamon Toast Crunch! Guaranteed to have Cinnamon swirls in every bite!**

**Music Ends-**

DAK: Ok, the actors are now fresh and new. We hoped that you liked the one minute commercial. And now...the show must go on!

Neji: I guess I'm just destined to speak out destinies.

Tenten: -Groan-

**4) **Conflict:When one watches too much TV.

Setting: In a neat living room with a huge tempting TV that sends out tempting electrical waves to lure handsome kids to unleash its temptatious glorious holy of holies.

Cast:

Gai as the infamous Gai Mamma again!

Kakashi as the handsome little kid who's drawn to the ways of TV.

**Act 4-- **

Gai Mama: Young mistuh! You've been watching too much TV again!

Kakashi: But Gai Mama!

Gai Mama: Not buts! Starting from twoday, I'm going ta cut off our TV cable!

Kakashi: Noo! You're cutting off my educational system!

Gai Mama: Educatanol system! Ha! Don't fool mehh!

Kakashi: If you cut if off then my source of getting straight 'A's will be gone forever!

Gai Mama: Chould I cut off da cable or not? He maybe lying...but den if he's not den I won't be able ta brag anymore. Oh fine...you got lucky tis time...next time...no more chance!

Kakashi: Works every time –cough-

**The End—**

Sasuke: Not only is this guide OOC, incorrect, and weird...the grammar is all wrong too!

Kakashi: You got a problem with that?

Naruto: Of course the grammar is wrong, Gai's a foreign homosexual mother.

Gai: Eh?

Lee: Hey don't diss Gai-sensei! Homosexual mothers can be youthful too!

Everyone: 0.o

**5) **Conflict: When someone disses your butt.

Setting: In a watery swimming pool full of pee, leafs, and other unidentified foul objects also known as UFO.

Cast:

Naruto as the loser who gets his butt dissed and yet makes up a brilliant excuse with the help of his handsome teacher.

Sasuke as the guy who has something against people's butts.

Sakura as bystander.

Readers as the background.

**Act 5—**

**-**Bubbles arose from the swimming pool-

Sasuke: -Eyes widened- You did not just do what I think you just did.

Naruto: Nup, I think I just did what you think I just did. –Pulls out a wedgie-

Sakura: -Looks horrified- Idiot! You disgusting pig! –Punch-

Naruto: Oww...but Sakura-chan. It was an act of nature! Think of farting as a natural act that expresses itself in a wonderful odor-ly way!

Sasuke: Pathetic piece of farthead. Go to hell along with your stinking ugly yellow butt before you contaminate the pool any further!

Naruto: Hey! My butt is special! If I were to replace it with another insignificant butt, the readers would feel cheated and emotionally insulted!

Readers: 0.o

**The End—**

Readers: Emotionally insulted?...

Naruto: Hey! How did you know that my butt is yellow?

Sasuke: Idiot, he made me say it. –Points accusingly at Kakashi-

Naruto: -Turns to Kakashi- Hey! How did you know my butt is yellow?

Kakashi: Well, technically your Asian because the creator of 'Naruto' is Japanese. And Asians have yellow skin soo...that concludes that you have an yellow butt. –Nods-

Naruto: Ohh I see...I thought you were perverted. But that makes sense...hey...you are a pervert anyhow!

**Ad-Alert! **

**- Sounds of dentist drills appeared – **

**Lee: Hello youthful friends! Go to your dentist today and get your teeth checked.**

**Kids: Why? The dentist is scary.**

**Lee: Oh no no. You should go because...**

**A) You getFREE toothbrushes in the end.**

**Kids: oOoOoOo**

**B) You can show off your prettyful teeth**

**Kids: Wow!**

**C) When facing enemies, just smile and let your teeth shine causing them to go blind.**

**Kids: Whoa!**

**C) When you go and take a picture, it will be picture perfect! **

**Kids: OoOoOoOo**

**Lee: Plus, it doesn't hurt at all! Only true men and women have the courage to face the perfectly harmless drill! So go to the nearest dentistry today and became a dentist best friend! -Smiles and blinds the readers-**

**Sounds of dentist drills ends –**

Naruto: Somehow, that ad just made me wanna go less to the dentist.

**6) **Conflict: When you get caught sleeping in class VERSION 2.

Setting: In a ordinary history classroom full of books and more books.

Note: Since so many people just loves to sleep in class, here is an additional excuse you can use when you get caught.

Cast:

Naruto as the loser and tattletale

Sasuke as an average student who is not loved by fangirls.

Gai as the history teacher with a huge scholar hat.

Kakashi as the extremely handsome student who accidentally slept in class because he was up reading the text book all night.

What an angel. –Cough-

**Act 6—**

Naruto: Teacher Gai! Teacher Gai!

Teacher Gai: Yes Uzumaki-san?

Naruto: The guy in the mask is sleeping again!

Teacher Gai: How do you know?

Naruto: Theres a wet spot where his mouth is behind the mask. He's drooling!

Teacher Gai: Sleeping are we? Hatake-san!

Kakashi: Drool

Sasuke: He's sleeping. He can't hear you.

Teacher Gai: Well then I'll just call louder! Hatake-san!

Kakashi: Drool

Teacher Gai: Why you little unyouthful kid! KAKASHI, OFF TO DETENTION!

Kakashi: Itcha--What, what? –Wakes up-

Teacher Gai: Please go to the principal office right now.

Kakashi: But teacher Gai!... I was just testing my notebook for drool resistance!

**And for those who do yoga, you can say…**

Kakashi: Ommm...I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga? Huh?

**The End—**

Naruto: Why am I the loser AGAIN! Kakashi-sensei...you seem to have something against me!

Kakashi: No, no Naruto. You got it all wrong. I don't have something against you. It's just that whenever I meet someone special, I always have description for them. Here's my list so far.

1) Naruto: Loser

Kakashi: Oops...apparently...only you are on the list. Now don't you feel special and warm on the inside?

Naruto: -Rasengan-

Kakashi: Sigh...guess not...I feel so unappreciated these days.

Everyone: -.-lll

**7) **Conflict: REPORT CARD!

Setting: In a freaky dark living ASIAN room with sticky cobwebs hanging around the ceiling to make things more scarier.

Cast:

Gai as once again, Gai Mama! But this time a scary fearsome Gai Mama! Of course with his/her priceless English accent that nobody understands.

Kakashi as the handsome little kid who usually gets straight 'A's at school.

DAK as narrator.

**Act 7—**

DAK: Gai Mama is currently on his/her laptop writing a report when suddenly he/she remembered its report card day. With a flower on his/her beautiful bowl-shaped cut hair, Gai Mama immediately calls forth Kakashi, his/her son. His/her long bathrobe trails behind the wooden chair he/she's sitting on.

Gai Mama: -Looks up from laptop- Kakachi! Kakachi! Get ova here! You tink dat I'll dunno twoday's your report card day! Hatake Kakachi, GET OVA HERE!

Kakashi: -Dances over with his report card- Coming!

Gai Mama: Hully up!

Kakashi: Here's my report card Gai Mama, tehe.

DAK: Gai Mama eyes Kakashi before reading the report card. She flipped it over since it was upside down, but found out that it was originally the right side up so she flipped it again.

Gai Mama: Ahem...ok Hatake Kakachi...Let's see...AP Biology: A plus...AP Algebra: A plus...AP Chemistry: A plus...Computer Programming: A plus...AP Physics: A plus...Good, good, dats very good...PE: A plus...Music: A plus, Home Ed: A plus, World History: A plus, WHAT! B PLUS! B PLUS IN...ENGLISH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHCK!

DAK: Gai Mama lets a hoarse scream due to the fact that he is actually a guy and not a girl. Also, since Gai Mama is so badly shaken his little flower on his beautiful head had fallen off in anger.

Gai Mama: AHHHHHHHHCK! –Continues screaming hoarsely- B PLUS! How can you get a B PLUS Kakachi? Hatake Kakachi. Hatake Kakchi, we come all da way from da far away Japan, and born you here in Amelica just so you get a B PLUS! –Hyperventilates-

Tis is unacceptable! I am appalled! What do you hafta say for yourself Kakachi? Ack! Kakachi why? WHY did you get a B Plus...in English! -Hyperventilates again-

Kakashi: B-but mom...

Gai Mama: Spit it out Kakachi! Hatake Kakachi, spit it out!

Kakashi: -Cries-

Gai Mama: Stop crying! Are you a_ gurl_? Is dat why you're crying! Are you a _gurl_!

Kakashi: -Cries- No...

DAK: Gai Mama slowly starts to calm down and began to speak seriously.

Gai Mama: Ok Kakachi, tell me now...whats your eeks-cuse? You can tell your motha.

Kakashi: Sniff...I had a bad English teacher.

Gai Mama: -Shakes head and picked up the flower on the flower before tucking it beside his ears-

Dat's a good reason Hatake Kakachi, but still. Even thou tis may be tlue or NOT tlue, we need ta do someting about tis. You still got B Plus in English...you got B plus! Look at mahh face! I said look at mahh face!

Kakashi: -sobs- I am...

Gai Mama: Does tis look like a happy face? You got a B plus in English...you must get some punishment!

Kakashi: Nooooooo -Whole world falls apart-

Gai Mama: Chut up! I said chut the youth up! Be a man Kakachi! BE A MAN! Stop crying! –Flower fells off his hair again- You must take responsibility! RES-PON-SI-BILITY! Ok? What do you tink your punichment chould be Kakachi?

Kakashi: Nothing...-Cries-

Gai Mama: What do you tink it chould be? Do you tink we chould give it a time out?

Kakashi: Ok fine—

Gai Mama: Oh no. -Interrups Kakashi- No, no...we ain't like dos white people out dere. All da way from Japan, baby, we got someting called Knockout!

Dun! Dun! Dun!

**The End—**

Naruto: What! Where's the excuse?

DAK: I'm sorry to say that because the fate of all Asians, no excuse will get you out on report cards day. Sniff...yes the tragedy. And if you're not Asian...then you probably have a better chance of avoiding deadly circumstances. Our best advice to you is...Study hard!

Konoha's Guide to Everything co. has to carry out the right morals and messages to readers...but REMEMBER...we never said that you can't slack off and be lazy. XD

**8) **Conflict: When one forgets to do their homework.

DAK: Rather than acting, this tip was actually asked by Naruto. So we will hear the very strategy from Kakashi himself.

Sasuke: Doesn't Kakashi always present the excuses himself?

Kakashi: -Ignores Sasuke- Now Naruto, when you go to school and the teacher asks for your homework…think old-school.

Naruto: Old school?

Kakashi: Yeah, say your dog ate your homework.

Naruto: But that's so old! The teacher won't believe me!

Kakashi: That's why I said think old school! If the teacher don't believe you, then challenge your teacher to call home. But before you do all these and if you don't have a dog, go to Kiba the day before, borrow a dog and feed him your homework. Voila! And when the teacher calls home, he/she will find out you are indeed telling the truth.

Naruto: 0.0

Kakashi: -Pats himself on the back- I know, I know...brilliant!

**9) **Conflict: When you fall asleep during class. VERSION 3!

Setting: In an English classroom full of smart nerds excluding one loser.

Note: Another version to the same problem since most of us are lazy asses! This tip is for believers...of course non-believers are all the more welcomed to use it. XD

Cast:

Who's the loser? You guess it...give an around of applause for Naruto!

Naruto: Thank you...thank you.

Kakashi: See why he's the loser?

Gai as the English teacher.

DAK as the wonderful narrator.

Kakashi as the handsome little kid who fell asleep during class because he was doing chores all yesterday night.

What an angel. –Cough-

**Act 9—**

Naruto: Teacher Gai! Teacher Gai!

Gai: Yes Uzumaki-san? What is it now? Hatake-san fell asleep again?

Naruto: Hey...how did you know? Whoa...you must be psychic...

Gai: -Rolls his prettyful eyes and sighs- Youhoo! Hatake-san!

Kakashi: -mumbles-

Gai: HATAKE-SAN!

Kakashi: -Gurgles-

Gai: KAKASHI! WAKE UP! Four hundred push...uhh...

DAK: Teacher Gai trails off as Kakashi's head slowly. There was a strange holy aura surrounding Kakashi. His palms were pressed together as if praying.

Kakashi: ...in Jesus name, I pray. Amen.

**The End—**

DAK: If you don't get that excuse, please ask in your review. We will be happy to assist you. And now...the LAST TIP!

**10) **Conflict: When your late for school.

Setting: In a super noisy classroom with paper balls flying around with lots of students oinking like pigs. Totally weird.

Cast:

Naruto as the smart loser.

Gai as the classroom teacher with a long stick ready to do some spanking.

Kakashi as the poor kid that came to class late due to complicated circumstances.

**Act 10—**

-Door slides open-

Kakashi: Sorry I'm late...

Teacher Gai: Hatake-san! Whats the meaning of this? You're an hour late! What's your excuse now?

-Class leans in to hear what Kakashi has to say-

Kakashi: -Scratches head- Well...you see...I had to um... -Fidgets-

Teacher Gai: Had to?

Kakashi: Had to um...go to the white room to...

Teacher Gai: The white room! You mean the hospital? Oh my youthful god, what happened!

Kakashi: Um...not exactly...but I had to...have to go to the white room to do some business but, I didn't expect it would take so long...and so painful. –Cringes- So I can be fully cured and go to school more functionally like everyday students..

Teacher Gai: Huh? I'm youthfully lost. That...was all 'blah' to me.

Naruto: Oh teacher Gai...As an expert on this topic I'll tell you. What he means is in translation: He needed to let out some shit through that butthole of his.

Teacher Gai: Oh I see...heyyyyyyyyyyyy!

**The End—**

DAK: Whew, finally finished!

Naruto: Ha! I knew it! You had to go to the bathroom every morning to let out some shit! You can't fool me!

Kakashi: -Ignores Naruto- Whoa...

DAK: What?

Kakashi: I just thought of something...

Everyone: What?

Kakashi: An excuse to what to say on report cards day.

Kiba: oOoOoOo

Kakashi: Simply, just write a letter and pretend that you ran away from home. But!

Everyone: -Listens intently-

Kakashi: But! That's not all. In the letter write as many crimes as possible and say that you committed them. After that at the end, write...oh what the heck...I'll just show you. Here's the example of the letter you should write.

-The Letter-

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing this. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with XXXXX, and she is so nice even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion Dad, she's pregnant and XXXXX said that we will be very happy.

Even though you don't care for her as she is much older than I, she  
already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

XXXXX taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for aids so XXXXX can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know you grandchildren.

P.S. dad, none of this is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I LOVE YOU!

Call when it's safe for me to come home.

-End of Letter-

Everyone: -Gape-

DAK: Shit man...I should do the same thing...makes my parents 'see the light'.

Sasuke: Ugh...it sounds perverted.

The rest of peeps: -Silence in shock-

Kakashi: -Pats himself on the back again- I know, I know, I'm brilliant, you don't have to tell me. -Smiles like an angel-

**Kakashi's guide finished!**

PS: oops...and lets not forget our wonderful reviewers.

Spring Akina

Mylinh

lia-lia

Cloud Strife Lover

darkavatar13

ToA

First Autumn Leaf

chibi mii

Who.eva.i.can.b

Miyuki Tsukada

Crushed Promises

kakashi11

Youkai kagami

BloodRuby

UzumakiPhoenix

Heartless Ghost

Lord Skoonie

Lady Awesome

CrAzY-SiLLy-Me

Kuroshin

Ciao for now! And don't forget to R&R! Review...Review...REVIEW NO JUTSU!


	7. Jaraiya Jaraiya

Warning: Lameness, Craziness, **Perverseness**, Sexy no Jutsu, and Naruto.

**This guide is not suitable for underage readers, viewer discretion advised. If you have something against perverts or if you get horny when you see perverted stuff...I strongly suggest that you skip over this guide. **

**Seriously...this chapter is seriously perverted...even DAK is ashamed of publishing it...**

Naruto: Beware or be circle!!!

* * *

Sakura: -Shakes head- Dumbass...

Sasuke: Dobe...

Those who got it: -Nods Head-

Those who didn't get it: Eh?

DAK: Yo, yo, yo guess who's back, back again, DAK's back, tell a friend!!! I'M BACK!! Sorry for the lonnggg update!!! Unfortunately, Jaraiya had a hard time finding inspiration these days so he decided to take a break. But after the break, he still couldn't think of anything so he asked his sidekick, Naruto, to help him think of not one, not two, but THREE tips!! Isn't that great? XD

Thanks to all those that helped me on the jokes!! You WILL be credited on the Acknowledgement Page!!

Be warned...the two tips have nothing to do with perverts, but don't be sad because instead it's got something to do with the topic we all love. FARTS!

Naruto: -Giggles manly-

DAK: Alright, but first...there has been some complaints about Naruto being stupid—

Sasuke: Well he is.

DAK: Eh hem...Sasuke don't interrupt...lately there has been some complaints about—

Sakura: Yeah, yeah we know...now get to the point!

Naruto: Hey, I'm not stupid!!

Sasuke: Sureeee...-Rolls Eyes-

DAK: Eh hem...DON'T INTERRUPT...anyways...like I was saying...people are complaining that Naruto is stupid!!

Naruto: -Gasps-

DAK: That's right, so now at the end of every chapter we are going to have...dun dun dun...a Word of the Chapter!! Created by your very own Uzumaki Naruto!!

Jaraiya: Alright, alright...this is MY guide...and I all hear about is foxy.

Naruto: Chehh...that's because no one wants to hear about your stupid tips.

Jaraiya: You're just jealous because you know this chapter is going to get more reviews than yours.

Naruto: You're just in denial because I'm better than you old geezer.

Jaraiya: You're just saying that because you know you would never be as great as me.

Naruto: You're just---

DAK: Alright, alright!!! Cutttt...lets gets back on track now...and I now fully presents...

* * *

**Jaraiya's Guide on How to Get Inspiration!!**

**1) **To get every little grasshopper started on the road to achieve perfect inspiration is knowing the extreme holy inspirational ninja motto:

**A ninja MUST see underneath the underneath!! **

Kiba: Whoaa...that's deep...

Jairaya: What did you expect?! This motto is coming from the great Jairaya after all, of course its deep! Everything about me is deep...my looks are deep, my personality is deep, my love for woman is deep—

-PUNCH-

Tsunade: Shut up turd, say anymore and I'll kick you all the way to Uranus.

Naruto: Tehehehe...your anus..Uranus... –Giggles manly-

**2) **Alright grasshoppers, now that you know the motto, its time for you to learn where to get inspiration and over the period of time you'll learn what the real meaning of 'heaven' is. –Chuckles knowingly-

The number one place to go issssss JAPAN!!!! THE ULTIMATE HOT SPRING COUNTRY!! Naked woman, naked children, naked teens, naked grammas, naked men, naked dogs...you NAME IT! –Giggles- You can even get mangas with naked people in it hehe...better yet ANIME!!!

Girls: PEEPING TOM!!!!!!!!!! -Tries scratching Jaraiya with super sharp nails-

Boys: HEAVENNNNN!!!!!!!!! -Embraces holy Jaraiya-sama-

FIGHT!

Justtt kidding :P

Kiba: Oh boy, oh boy!! Naked dogs!! –Squeals-

Readers: 0.0lll

**3) **Sometimes in your life, there's always a sad period where there isn't that special little heaven near you, so to replace those dreaded times the best way is to act like a girl. Hey, you can never be too feminine!! Especially if you have that body all to yourself and you can touch it whenever AND where ever you want. If you don't know how to make yourself into a girl, then conduct sexy no jutsu, if you don't have the ability to do that, than here are the materials you need to transform the new feminist YOU!!

Materials required:

Two bags of marshmallows

Shaving Cream

Venus shaver

Tight shirt

Miniskirt

Deodorant

If you can't find the marshmallows then cook some good tasting soup and put them into two bags, and thenn...stuff them carefully onto your unholy flat ones, the tight shirt should be able to hold the bags up. Voila! Now you have two warm soft holy things on your flat shameful ones!! Hey, you get to feel good and after a while, you get to eat good! A two in one pleasure!!

Sasuke: You're mentor is sick...

Sakura: I can't believe it...so this is where you got your horniness from...

-Whisper- -Whisper- -Gossip- -Gossip-

Naruto: HEYYY!!!

**4) **Ok, so people asked me...what happens when there isn't a hot spring about and no shops to buy the stuff that you need to be a woman...well never fear because Jaraiya-sama is here to teach you what to do!! All you need is TV and the discovery channel!! Hehe, those who are starting to learn how to imagine can probably guess why the discovery channel is ESSENTIAL to our everyday life.

If we can feel ourself or if there are no legible females nearby...hey...there are always animals!! Animal documentaries are full of facts about the mating season!! –Giggle-

Here are the reasons why discovery channel is perfect!!

Its parent-complaints free, jeez...what kind of parent would get mad at you if you watch discovery channel.

Kiba: Mine does! Mine does!!

Jaraiya: Ah shut up...

Second reason is...you get to watch TV!!

Third reason is: there isn't really any difference between humans and animals except they don't wear clothes, don't think like we do and they mate freely. ; ) Man...we should learn more from the animals!! Those holy creatures...

Naruto: Hey, hey...what if we don't have TV and we are in the middle of the desert?

Jaraiya: Why the desert is the perfect place to be if you don't have TV!! There are scorpions, spiders and snakes everywhere! MATING GALORE!!!

Jaraiya again: I mean seriously...bugs mate like twice everyday.

Shino: No they don't!! They mate exactly 5 and a half times a day!!

Readers: Err...interesting...a half?? 0.0

4) Alright!! Getting tired of Jaraiya? Dum dum dum dum!! Naruto here!!! Alright!! I'm going to tell you two of the best ways to use your precious farts!! Now listen carefully for this may save your life one day!!

Ok, for those non-swimmers out there...ever got stuck in the middle of the pool or sea and can't find your way back to the shore? Well let me just tell you, this is the perfect time to use your fart!! And I personally call this tactic the Fart Propeller Technique!!

If you're skilled enough, you may even push yourself as far as 5 meters across the water!! Wow, if you can do that call me, sensei!

Konohamaru: -Eyes Shining-

**5) **Didn't get enough of fart propellers? Well this tip is for dog owners out there!!

Kiba: You mean this tip is for me?

Naruto: Yup! And it's pretty useful too!!

Alright, well I bet all of you dog owners have trouble calling your dogs at times sooo I recommend you to try this tactic out. And I proudly present...FART WHISTLE!! Now this may take some practice because normal farts would just kill off the dog so you need to practice and make it into a high-pitched stinkless supersonic fart that only animals can hear!!

Yo, remember...it may stink but it's worth it because it's useful. Tehee...

Kiba: -Eyes shinning-

Shino: ...Do you think this would work on bugs?

People: 0.0

**6)** Still think I didn't say enough? Well I just remembered one for the ladies out there!! Hey, this worked against dog turd. If there's a guy that you absolutely hate thats been constantly hitting on you, well...hehe just let out a little stink bugger and ha! Guaranteed to let you return to the life that had been normal once again!

Kiba: Who are you calling a dog turd, Narutard!!

Naruto: -gasps- Narutard?!! Why you Kibatard!!

Sasuke: Shut up you retards...

**7) **Oh I got one moreee!!

Jaraiya: Go away foxy, it's my turn now! You had just wasted three precious tips on air!

Naruto: It's not just air, its natural fragrance!!!

Jaraiya: Fragrance my butt!

Naruto: HehE...yeah, you're right for once...there's fragrance coming out of your butt all the time.

ANYWAYS!!

Alright! Jaraiya is back in the game now this is me, Jaraiya-sama talking. Ok, so after we get all those useless information on stupid air, I am going to fill your heads once more on hall to achieve the perfect inspiration!! Like any other religion, it's essential that you evangelize and spread the word of truth.

Its great, it's fun, it's inspirational!! Share the wonders of inspiration around!! You can make jokes, diss others, and post it online!! What more can you want?

Sakura: Huh...spread inspiration...how do you do that?

Sasuke: -Cough- Let's not go there... –Pulls Sakura away-

Jaraiya: No, no...LET'S... – Pulls Sakura back-

Sasuke: No! You're going to contaminate her mind with _that..._.

Jaraiya: Hey, its not contamination!! It's a step towards purification!!

Sakura: Ehh...so you spread inspiration to achieve purification? How do you do that?

Sasuke: -Groans- Sakura shut up…

Jaraiya: I'm glad you asked!! You spread inspiration by having se---beep...

------------

DAK: Sorry...the 'S' word is forbidden...but if you still haven't figure it out and still wants to know then review...and I'll answer you for Jaraiya! XD Ok, back to action.

------------

Sakura: 0.0

Inner Sakura: I shouldn't have asked...

Sasuke: _She shouldn't have asked..._

Tsunade: You shouldn't have asked...

Naruto: Oh, oh, oh I got another way to spread inspiration!!!

Sasuke: -Glares-

Tsunade: -Glares-

Sakura: 0.0

(She's still dazed...poor soul)

Naruto: Hehehe...-Takes out two puppets, one that looked like Naruto and one that looked like Kiba- Ok...lights, camera, action!!

Puppet Show—

Naruto: Are you a bull?

Kiba: No, I'm a dog.

Naruto: Then why are you acting so horny?!!

-The End-

This joke is contributed by...Lanie-chan!!

DAK & Reviewers: -Claps and hollars-

**8) **Its tiring to spread inspiration all the time and you might not want to spread it at times so a good and a fun way to spread is by telling jokes!! Here's a joke for those who cares...and now I present you the Santa Joke!! (It rhymes too!...Kinda...)

Santa Joke----------

So on Christmas Day, Santa went down the chimney and placed presents under the big Christmas tree like he should. As he turned around, he jumped up in surprise. A girl was behind him looking at him curiously...annnddd...they goooo...

Girl: Santa, can you stay here for the night?

Santa: Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get presents to the girls and boys!!

Girl takes off her shirt and shorts.

Girl: Santa, can you stay here for the night?

Santa: Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta get presents to the girls and boys!!

Girl takes off her bra and panties.

Santa: Gotta stay, gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick up this way!

-------

Everyone: Oh my...

Konohamaru: Wahh...Santa...how can you betray us, kids??!!

DAK: Rated PG just so you know. :)

**9)** Didn't get enough perverted joke??? Hehee...here's another one. –Giggles Manly-

A very hot nun came onto a bus one day and was followed by a guy. The guy saw the nun and immediately took interests of the nun and asked her out, but the nun just slapped him and said, "I'm a nun and nuns are virgins."

So then the guy became sad, but this didn't go unnoticed by the bus driver...so after all the passengers were got off, he stopped the guy and gave him some few suggests.

Driver: Hey young man, you want to have a little heaven with that nun right? Well I heard the little hottie goes to the cemetery everyday to mourn for her dead father, why don't you just pretend to be Jesus and confront her? Maybe then, she'll want a little action!!

Guy: Wow that's a good idea!! Thanks!!

So the next day, the guy dressed up as Jesus and went to the cemetery at night and sure enough the nun was there.

Guy: Yo, I'm Jesus.

Nun: Oh my god!! –Does the cross sign-

Guy: Wanna have sex?

Nun (Looks around nervously): Ok Lord...but lets go to the back of the cemetery where it's dark so no one can see us.

And sure enough they had an amazing night in the dark where no one can see them.

Guy: Wow...I didn't know nuns can s-- so well!! Hehehe, well anyways haha I fooled you!! I'm not Jesus!!

The guy takes off his costume and revealed his true identity.

Nun: Haha!! I'm not a nun!!

The nun takes off her costume and…

Guy: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE THE BUST DRIVER!!!!!

Hehehehe---

Naruto: Wow I didn't know Jesus can fukc!!

Sakura: -Groans and bangs her forehead on the wall-

Sasuke: Go fukc yourself will you?

Hinata: -Twitches-

-----

NOTE: For those believers out there...remember...this is just a joke! And if you still got angry...well just to tell you...DAK a Catholic/Christian...well actually...DAK is... nevermind...but yeah, you get the point. Haha...this special joke is mostly made for yaoi loves...hope you're happy!!

Extra Note: Don't get DAK wrong here...DAK's NOT a yaoi lover...so don't request her to make a yaoi story. AND, DAK respects all religion.

---------

**10) **Lastly, be sure to memorize the moral of this guide young grasshopper...

"**Life without inspiration is like French fries without ketchup." **

Konohamaru and Kiba: Wow...deep...

------------

And now...its time forrrr...Naruto's attempt to try and make others believe that he is NOT a retard!!!!

Naruto presents...

**The. Word.** **Of. The. Chapter.**

Konohamaru and Co.: o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0ooooo

Kiba and Akamaru: Bark Bark Bark Awhooooooooooooooooo!!!!

-Drum Rolls-

Naruto: Alright peeps!!! Bet you guys are excited huh? Cuz this word is going to make history!!!!!!! Not to mention...ROCK YOUR WORLD!!

Jaraiya (Thinking pervertly): Hehe...Naruto means both ways…..Rock. Your. World. Haha...good one foxy!! Glad you learned something good from this awesome brain of mine!!

Naruto: As if! Stop daydreaming!! –Pushes Jaraiya out of the scene-

Alright!! Where was I before I was so rudely interrupted!! Oh yes...this word is gonna make history!!!!!!!!!

**Word of the chapter**:

ICUP: (i-cup) -2 definitions found-

Definition 1 (Adjective):

-A girl with overly huge busts that's too big for a H-Cup bra to handle.

Definition 2 (Verb):

-A really perverted way of saying I See You Pee...

(Hint: Spell ICUP out to get the last definition)

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!

Sakura: -Smacks Naruto with a frying pan-


	8. Tsunade Tsunade

**Warning: Lameness, craziness, randomness, LANGUAGE, and Tsunade's Ultimate Attack. **

Language...I repeat...**BEWARE** of language...of course its not like I say the f-bomb ten times in a row. XD

Lee: Oh youthful readers, don't copy DAK or any of the naughty characters in the guide...they're bad unyouthful people with dangerous unyouthful mouths.

DAK: Bite me poopoo head.

Lee: My ears! Oh my poor ears...she said the 'P' word!!

Naruto: Poopoo!

Lee: AHHHHH!!!! Hell has broken loose!! –Runs for his youthful life-

**Eyecatch!:** Gai appears in a disco bar and flashes his abnormally white teeth. Remember Youth-enese, don't just brush your teeth everyday, clean your ears too! –Ears flashes-

* * *

By The Way: Watch out for perverseness too!

DAK: Heyoyoyoyoyo!!! Just some notes before I present you Tsunade's great guide. Tehe...well...since Tsunade's method to deal with everything is practically the same due to its effectiveness, we decided to add a few random jokes that involves dissing people :P Although Tsunade's beating method mainly work on guys...-cough-

Jaraiya: Hey!! That's so sexist!!!! You breasted creatures all think men are sexist, but its YOU that's sexist!!

Tsunade: We're sexist, so what?! Girls are smexy! You men think you're so high and mighty because your dicks look like forks!

Jaraiya: Hey!! They're not forks! They're two meatballs stuck onto a pickle!

Tsunades: Pickles, dickles, whatever...

Naruto: Yum...

Readers: 0.o –shifts away- -then comes back-

ANYWAYS

Note: Celebrity names will be altered in case a person decides to report my fic XD

**Eyecatch!:** Misashi Kishimoto may be altered to Sashimi Sushimoto

Reader: -Goes off to report-

DAK: Nooo...come back! We won't be making fun of Kishi over there in a country north of Taiwan.

Naruto: Oh my god!!! You just did! You dissed Kishimoto, our holy god!!!

DAK: God?

Naruto: Yeh, yeh...our godly creator of heaven, hell and the United States of Uzumaki! And what's this Tai-wan? Tai kwon do?!

DAK: Taiwan is a country, idiot and to those that don't know. There, have I expanded your geography?

Naruto: -GASPS- Another country exists besides U.S.U! I must go and claim this country!

DAK: It's already taken Narutopher Columbaki.

Naruto: What?!! My name is not Narutopher Columbaki!! It's President SHRUB!

**Reminder**: This is JUST a parody. Plus its Tsunade's guide. Naturally, bashing comes into play :) If you don't like bashing then go away. Hehe...joking...but it rhymes! Thank you, buh-bye.

Reader: I hate bashing.

DAK: I hate Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Kakashi, Tsunade, Itachi, Jaraiya, Hinata, Kiba, Ino, Shikamaru, Lee, Sai, Asuma, and everyone from the Narutard world. Oops, I did offend you?

Reader: -Gasps- Shakes his/her middle finger.

Lee: -Runs away and cries-

Hehe...just kidding...AND I NOW PRESENTTTTTTTTTTT--------

PS. DAK is feeling rather blue, so this fic may end up either very very mean or very very lame. Carrying on...

* * *

**Tsunade's Guide on How to Beat Up Idiots**

**1)** As you all have heard from my student, Haruno Sakura, and her infamous "Grab, Twist, Pull" that she have learned from me, it is time for you to learn a simple yet an 'upgraded' version of that bashinglicious move. By the way...this is where long nails come in handy...I now present...

Jab!

Wrench!

Annihilate!

-Courtesy to thesaurus (dot) com...Such a colourful site –sigh-

Naruto: Oh my ramen!

Sasuke: Oh my god!

Lee: Oh my youthfulness!

Neji: Oh my kami!

Kakashi: Oh my come come paradise!

Jaraiya: Oh my boobies!

Sai: Dickless wonder 0.0

Tsunade: You men deserve it!

Naruto: And Sasuke says my sensei was perverted...

Sasuke: Well he fucking is...

Lee: My earsssss!!!!!!!

Neji: What kind of a destiny is this?! Hypocrisy I say, hypocrisy!

Sai: Hypocrisy? You have no right to say that, you don't even have a dick!

Neji: -Insulted- I SO DO! Destiny granted me one!

Sai: Prove it!!!

Neji: ...

Kakashi: This does not come in the book! I sue whoever wrote it for not warning us!

Jaraiya: What?! Why are you blaming me?! Blame flat-chest!

Tsunade: WHAT?! You call this flat-chested!!! –Points at her xxxx-

Gai: -Shields Lee- Don't look Lee, don't look! I'll protect you from the evil two piece of dough!

Tsunade: DOUGH?!!

Readers: 0.0

**2)** Scene: Tsunade's Bashing Café

On a random chat room of a random site that is on a random computer of a random café:

Ice.Cubical-- Yo.

Narutard-- Yo back.

Ice.Cubical-- I got a new car radio the other day, it's fucking cool.

Narutard-- Really? It's so cool that it deserves a fuck in front of the word cool? That must be a really cool radio.

Ice.Cubical-- Damn right it is! It's fricken amazing. When you shout soul; it plays soul, when you shout rock and it plays rock. This other day some kids ran past my car and I yelled "FUCKING KIDS" and it played Michael Jackstone.

Narutard-- Sweet dude...

**3)** Scene: Tsunade's Bashing Café

On a random chat room of a random site that is on a random computer of a random café:

Ice.Cubical-- Dude, have you seen the news?

Narutard-- About what?

- Pinkk.Forehead - Logs In.

Pinkk.Forehead-- What are you guys talking about?

Narutard-- Ice.Cubical was about to tell us something that happened on the news.

- Cum.Cum.Mask- Logs In.

Cum.Cum.Mask-- Yo.

Pinkk.Forehead-- Hey, come join the fun. Ice.Cubical was about to tell us something.

Cum.Cum.Mask-- Whaddup?

Ice.Cubical-- Well this other day I saw on the news that Michael Jackstone and Arnold Wartsnigger was on this plane that was about to crash. Anyways, the paparazzi happened to be stalking them and got this stupid footage.

Pinkk.Forehead-- What happened?

Ice.Cubical-- Dude, they had the stupidest convo. There happened to be a lot of kids on the plane and Arnold Wartsnigger grabbed a parachute, threw one to Jackstone and prepared to jump off the plane without considering about the kids. And Jackstone was like: Yo brotha! What about the kids?! Arnold Wartsnigger was like...SCREW THE KIDS!! Then jumped off. And Jackstone was like: But there isn't enough time!!!

Narutard-- Dude...that was stupid...

Pinkk.Forehead-- That was sick.

Cum.Cum.Mask-- I'm Michael Jackstone...

Narutard-- And I'm Arnold

Cum.Cum.Mask-- I'm Michael Jackstone...

Narutard-- ...

**4)** I would like to dedicate this following tip to Kakashi11 :)

Scene: Tsunade's Bashing Café

A conversation between two random guys chatting in a random chat room in a random café drinking random coffee:

NOTE: No racism intended!!!!!!!! By the way, I got this from an Indian comedian.

Random Indian Guy: Yo dude! You know...I was in Italy the other day and like these Italians thought I was Italian.

Random Guy: Uhuh...

Random Indian Guy: And well...I didn't wanna disappoint them right? Cuz I mean, its kinda cool being an Italian who invented pasta and all those stuff.

Random Guy: Uhuh.

Random Indian Guy: So anyways...they started speaking Italian to me, very cool but after a while it just looks like I was retarded ya know? And well at the end I told them I was Indian and they were like...INDIANO?! No Indiano...they think we're like freaks or something and we show up and shatter their dreams about Indian freaks. Sigh...You know...you need to go to Italy one day.

Random Guy2: I do?

Random Indian Guy: Yeh, you don't even need to learn their language. They have like a hand signal for every word they say. This is 'what the fuck' in sign language –Takes thumb, puts it in the back of his top front teeth and flicks it out- That's 'what the fuck' in Italian. Right here, this little hand motion.

Random Guy 2: No way!

Random Indian Guy: Way! They'll look at you and go...eh! - Takes thumb, puts it in the back of his top front teeth and flicks it out- Yeah, that's 'what the fuck' in Italian...do you know what this means in Indian?

Random Guy 2: -Shakes Head-

Random Indian Guy: It means 'do you want to eat' in Indian. Imagine an Italian guy going to an Indian restaurant and got offended and goes - Takes thumb, puts it in the back of his top front teeth and flicks it out- 'What the fuck' And the Indian guy go: hey hey hey...the buffet is over there!

Naruto: Hahaha...look Sasuke-bastard - Takes thumb, puts it in the back of his top front teeth and flicks it out-

Sasuke: -Rolls Eyes- God no efficiency dobe. Why don't you just stick out your middle finger? Way faster. –Sticks out middle finger-

Naruto: Darn...

Tsunade: Sasuke, you swear way too much.

Naruto: Yeah Sasuke-bastard!!! I bet you can't survive without the word fuck.

Sakura: I dyinggg...

Sasuke: What?! I so can dobe!!

Naruto: Oh yeah?

Sasuke: Yeh!

Naruto: Prove it to me then! If you say another swear word by the end of the guide, you'll have to treat me to ramen.

Sasuke: And if I win?

Naruto: I'll treat you to ramen!

Sasuke: Deal!

Chouji: Aww I should swear more often.

Lee: Oh youthful butterfly!! Spread your wings and flee away to the big green yonder from this hellish place.

Chouji: Huh? - Takes thumb, puts it in the back of his top front teeth and flicks it out-??

**5)** Scene: Tsunade's Bashing Café

On a random chat room of a random site that is on a random computer of a random café:

Narutard-- So I went into my school's band room for the first time today...

Dog.Breath-- Uhuh...

Narutard-- Biggest bunch of nerds I've ever met...

Youthy.Beast-- Hey, I'm in band!

Narutard-- Anywz... and this one girl walks in, really hot...and I swear to fucking god, three kids pulled out inhalers...

Youthy.Beast -Pulls out inhaler-

Dog.Breath-- Nice...

**6)** So enough about the Tsunade's Bashing Café, it is time for you to learn how to bash a teacher. The world isn't perfect, and naturally bad teachers will hinder your way on the path of achieve perfect bashing. Isn't that right Sakura?

Sakura: Yes mam. –Gulps-

Good girl, and sooo...what's there to life if there's no pranks?! That's right fellow grasshoppers hehe...here are a few suggestions you can use on a boring school day:

Sick and tired of school? Go to Pet Smart and buy 1000 crickets and let it in your school's air vent. Guaranteed to brighten up a day plus making the school close down for the day as well as watching your teacher scream in agony as a cricket climbs in to her jellies. For men…ahem…his pickle.

Sasuke: What the fu--- -Stops himself-

Naruto: Nooo...I almost got free lunch!

Sasuke: Get a life you big piece of shitaki mushroom.

Sick and tired of college professors? Go up to him/her, bitch-slap him/her, call him/her a fag and run away. Since an average college professor has 200-300 students per day and has so many assignments to grade, it takes a miracle for them to track you down. It works 99.9 percent of the time. Try it :)

And my personal favourite. Sick and tired of your school principal? Go to his/her car in the parking lot, disassemble it and assemble it back in his/her office. :D Hey its not that bad...the principal gets to show off the car in front of his/her staff. It just takes a while for him/her to drive again.

Naruto: Whoaaaa...I'm going to do that!!!

Kakashi: I don't own a car.

Iruka: Neither do I.

Tsunade: Back off twerp, or else I'm going to feed your pickle to Akamaru.

Akamaru: Awoooooo!! –Drools-

Note: In Akamaru's case, he's to dumb to distinguish what's a real pickle and what's not.

Naruto: Damn...

Sasuke: Haha...go wear a 'fcuk' shirt, dumb bag.

Note: Fcuk is actually a brand made by French. All hail el francais :D

DAK: Sorry...my French is a little bit rusty ehehehe...

**7)** Now that you know how to bash your fellow teachers, principals, and professors...I think you guys should learn how to bash your parents. XD Of course, we have to love them and all those necessary things, but there are times where they indeed PISS.YOU.VERY.MUCH!!

But first of all, I recommend you all to go to your library and read this book called '101 ways to bug your parents' by Lee Wardlaw...an excellent resource book.

For those that don't have libraries nearby, go bash your city mayor and force him/her to build you one. Now for parents bashing. Well this isn't exactly bashing but its sure going to humiliate them tehe...

Alrighty, I'm sure 99 percent of you out there don't fold your beds, am I correct? Well...if you don't, I'm positive that your parents nag you every single minute on folding your blankets and how to fold it properly. By the way, you can use this tip for any other little crimes you do in the house. Anyways, the next time when your parents come and nag you, dare them to live a day without folding their bed in exchange that you will fold yours.

They'll probably agree, if they don't then...too bad...find some other bashing guides. For those that agreed, on the same day, invite your friends over and as you introduce them around your house, show them your parents messy bedroom and say 'And my parents told me to fold my bed sheets every single day...look at them!' in front of your parents loud and clear. That should get them humiliated.

Shikamaru: Our hokage sure is evil...troublesome indeed.

Neji: It's in her destiny.

Jaraiya: What if the parents say that they had a wild night in bed? –Giggles-

Tsunade: Jab! Wrench! Annihilate!!

Jariaya: Noooo...My pickleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Lee: My ears! My ears! They burnnnnn!!!!!!

Gai: My ears! My ears! They frozeeddddddddddd!!!

**8)** Having problems with a friend? Bash them. Don't hesitate, they deserve it. For those nice goodie-two shoes.. get a life...everyone has a mean side. Either they go down, or it's you. But let me just tell you this, whenever you want to bash someone...give them three chances...if they piss you off three times doing the same thing, then you can bash. Makes your life a whole lot sweeter.

Naruto: I would never do that to a friend!

Sasuke: You're an idiot.

Naruto: -gasps- Strike One!

Sasuke: You're full of turd.

Naruto: Oh my ramen!! Strike two!

Sasuke: Chehh...Stink bag...

Naruto: Wahhh!!! Strike three!! You're going down, down, down!!

Sakura: I thought you don't bash friends... –sweatdrops-

Naruto: Well Sasuke-bastard is an exception!! No one calls me an idiot, turn, or stink bag!! You're only allowed to call me Mr. Fartman!!!

Sakura: -.-lll

Readers: 0.o

Sasuke: Look's like someone's brain farted out all the logic juice from his brain.

**9)** Here is a general list of who you can bash so don't come to me and say, 'Oh my god, Tsunade-sama...please tell me who to bash!! My hands are feeling a little bit tingling at the moment and I need to bash someone but I have absolutely no idea who! Oh woe is me!!

The Bashing list: Idiots, perverts, egoistic people, annoying people, sadistic people, youthful people, smartass people, hypocrites, destiny freaks, shy freaks, evil people, pandas, nail-painting freaks that wear cloud decorated coats, dog mutts, self-absorbed people, fat people, skinny people, frogs, snakes, etc. You get the point.

DAK: That's everyone in the cartoon 0.0

Tsunade: Hehe...exactly. World without bashing is a big No No...everyone has to get bashed at some point...or else they will never be able to become a true man.

Naruto: -Gasps- Somebody, anybody...BASH ME!!!

Sasuke: Looks like his brain farted out his smart juice too.

Sakura: Looks like it... -.-

**10)** Scene: Tsunade's Bashing Café

On a random chat room of a random site that is on a random computer of a random café:

Narutard-- Ahh damn...

Ice.Cubical-- What?

Narutard-- I did it again!

Narutard-- Spilled tap ramen juice in my lap twice

Ice.Cubical-- And I thought you were just singing along to Bite-me Spears

Tsunade: Mwahaha...I finally finished this sadistic good for nothing bashinglicious guide. –Drinks Sake-

DAK: Good for you –Drinks sake too-

Lee: Oh my!! Under-aged drinking!! I'm sorry DAK, but for the sake of youth, I must report to the police!

Sakura: -Drinks sake-

Lee: Oh mama mia!!! What hast this world cometh to?!! The sky is falling!! The sky is falling!! We must saveth Sakura-chan!!!

Gai: -Drinks Pepsi-

Lee: Whaaaaattttt!!!! Gai-sensei! Please stop drinking that unyouthful teeth harming solution!!

Gai: Alright...I'll just convert to Coco-cola then.

DAK: Coco-cola rulessssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry...but I hate pepsi. XD

And now...its time for...THE WORD OF THE CHAPTER!!! And DAK presents...NARUTARD!!

Naruto: I'll show you Sasuke-bastard that my brain did NOT fart!

Sasuke: -Makes fart noise- Oh sorry, it just did. It's the end of the guide now, you owe me a bowl of ramen.

Naruto: Why god, why?!! –Goes into a little corner-

Sakura: Hurry up with the word already.

Naruto: Tehe...alright, alright.

**Word. Of. The. Chapter**

Leap Frog: (leap-frog) 1 definition found.

Noun

A frog that leaps once every two years.

Sakura: -Smacks Naruto with a calendar-


	9. Uchiha Itachi

Warning: Lameness, Crazyness, Sharingan-ness, OOC, Itachi's Smexiness, and **LANGUAGE!**

**Eyecatch: **Behold!!! Itachi in a boxer!!! Six pack galore!!

Itachi Fans: Kyaaaaaaaa!!!! –Faints from being blinded -

ANYWAYS!

What's this? DAK IS FINALLY OFF HIATUSSSSS!!! BOO-YAH!!

DAK: So why the long wait, you might ask? Well... it's because the damn Akatsuki are so hard to find! Seriously...I had to travel across a mountain, cross a raging river, fall down the Konoha waterfall, get chased by wild boars...yeah... -cough-

* * *

Note: DAK loves Uzumaki Naruto but just disses him a lot. So don't be offended. He is such a cute little sunshine.

* * *

Important notice!!!

Because Mr. Uchiha Itachi is so evil, he is ONLY going to share 5 tips today. –Sobs-

If you have any complaints, feel free to share them with the sharingan user...but beware...he bites. Also, if you don't find the guide funny then you can share that with Itachi too. I would think twice though...

DAK: More extra notice...I suggest you turn back now to avoid getting blinded by Itachi-sans hotness again.

Itachi: -Releases his hair and flicks it against the wind-

Itachi Fans: Kyaaaaaaaa!!!! –Faints from being blinded again-

DAK: See what I mean?

Sasuke: Cheh...he fricken paints his nails...how is that hot?

Itachi: Jealous brother? If you paint your nails, you might just get as much fans as moi.

Sasuke: ...

**ANYWAYS**

DAK: We nowwww presentttt...ding ding ding-

Naruto: Dong dong dong-

Kiba: Dang dang dang-

* * *

**Chapter 9 – Itachi's Guide on How to be a Good Smexy Enemy!! **

Itachi: -.-lll

Note: Itachi is a little moody. Please refrain from gasping whenever he calls our beloved reader stupid or any sort of a diss.

Word of caution: Itachi bites.

Hard.

Anywho...the FIRST tip!! ZOMG...let's all faint. –faints -

**1) **Unlike our stupid little fox boy over there, the current fashion is NOT blond! It's black F.Y.I! Don't deny it you dumb people. Black is in. Blond is out. Who cares if you're all bright and shiny? Want to be good enemies punks? Wear black.

Naruto: -GASPS- BLOND IS THE IN COLOUR!! HOW DARE YOU INSULT OUR GLORIOUS SUNNY COLOUR?!! RACIST!

Itachi: Glorious sunny colour? More like eye gauging disgusting colour! Black is the colour you dumb blond.

Naruto: Oh my god! You are racist!

Sakura: -smack- Blond isn't a race idiot!

Sasuke: -snicker- I agree with my pig stuffed brother for once. Dumb blond haha...

Naruto: Heyyyyy I'm not a dumb blond!! Fine, he's not racist...he's a colouriest!!

Itachi: Tch...there's no such thing as a colourist! Go to hell loser.

Naruto: Fine, y-you're a HAIRIEST! Bwahahahhaa...that could be my word of the chapter but I'll think I'll let that one past. Hmph...You stupid emo nail-obsessed person! I bet you're hairy...

Itachi: ...I'm not hairy... I bet you have more armpit hair than me, stupid turd.

Naruto: Oh yeah?

Itachi: Yeah, what are you gonna do about it?

Naruto: FINE!! Let's count our armpit hairs to see who has the most. –Starts counting - One... Two... Four... err, what comes after four? Oh yeah! Seven...

Sakura and Sasuke: -Smacks their foreheads-

**2) **All villains has to have an evil laugh. If you don't have an evil laugh, go away and jump off a cliff.

Sasuke: That is so stupid.

Itachi: You're stupid, foolish brother.

Naruto: Kekekekekeke……

Kiba: Fufufufufu……

Kisame: Kukukukukuku…

DAK: lalalalalala……

Sakura: 0.0

Sasuke: How do you even manage to laugh like that?

Naruto: Jealous? Kekekekeke…

Sasuke: In your retarded dreams blondie.

Kiba: Fufufufufufu…

Kisame: Kukukukuku…

Sasuke: It sounds stupid…

Neji: They're destined to sound stupid.

DAK: Lalalalalala…

Sasuke: That's not an evil laugh!!

Itachi: Let's see you try little brother!

Sasuke: Hell no-

Naruto: Coward kekeke-

Sasuke: Shut up!!

Naruto: B-B-But...I'm not finished spreading my joy to the universe.

Sakura: Some joy... I feel happy already. –Rolls eyes -

**3) **If you want to be a good enemy, mock those goodie-two shoes to hell. Hate them, detest them, and burn them with acid. If you are a good enemy, you should feel like puking whenever those goodie-two shoes to those disgusting good little deeds. Feeding a stray kitty should make you sick. If you don't feel sick, then rot and jump off a cliff until you feel sick.

Lee: Oh the horror!

Sasuke: Dude...you got mental issues.

Itachi: Cheh...I'm not the one out for revenge. –smirks -

Sasuke: YOU made me this way damnit!!

Itachi: -Shrugs and paints his nails- Effing readers, here is a short video of some idiots when they were still in the Konoha academy. Watch how pathetic they are at mocking. If you mock like them, go jump off a cliff and never come back. Be ashamed. Be very ashamed.

**Pottery Class**

Naruto: MWAHAHAHA...my masterpiece if FINALLY done!! –Shows everyone his masterpiece -

Lee: What on heavenly earth is this youthful thing?

Naruto: It's me!! Here's my head –points - Here's my arms –points -

Sasuke: My god...is that your wiener? Why the heck are you nude?

Naruto: -Gasps- THAT IS NOT NARUTO JUNIOR! That's my HEAD bastard!

Lee: What a youthful head!

Sasuke: What's that thick eyebrows? What a youthful wiener?

Naruto: Growls...DON'T insult my wein- I mean statue!

Lee: I think it's beautiful! –smiles -

Naruto: THANK Y-

Sasuke: Are you gay?

Naruto: YOU'RE GAY! Anyways, -cough- I think this is my calling! I think I'm born to be a potter!

Sasuke: Yeah go fling around that little stick of yours and scream Die Voldemort.

**PAUSE**

DAK: Sorry...a little Harry Potter moment there hehe...

Kakashi: Why can't anyone talk in decent language these days?

Pakkun: -Shrugs-

**PLAY**

Naruto: Very funny Sasuke-bastard. You think you're so great huh? What's that you're making? Looks like a stupid bowl.

Sasuke: That's because it is a bowl. -.-ll

Naruto: Cheh, whatever! Who needs a bowl anyway? What people need is a statue of the future hokage to look at. Yes, this is definitely my calling! –Admires his masterpiece -

Neji: He's destined to be a potter.

Sasuke: Yeah, I can see it now: Don't miss watching Naruto the _potter _at his house making pots and nude statues on Saturday night. It's a show worth dying for. He's coming to every house near you.

Naruto: You bet I am!

Sakura: I thought you wanted to be a hokage.

Naruto: Sakura-chan, Sakura-chan, Sakura-chan...tsk tsk tsk...It's not a crime to have two jobs. I can work full time as a hokage and part time as potter.

Konoha citizens: Errrr...

**STOPS**

Itachi: Yes, I cannot continue the video. The rest are utterly boring and disgusting. It's shameful...

Deidara: Who are you calling a potter? I'M the potter! Art is a bang!

Naruto: Go bang your head somewhere else, I'M THE POTTER!

_Poof!_

Harry Potter: No! I'M ZE POTTER!

Sasuke: Who the hell are you?

Harry Potter: Ze HARRY POTTER! Avada Kadavra!!

Everyone: 0.0

Harry Potter: Avada Kadavra!!! Damnit!! Why aren't any of you dying? Could it be that your specters? Expecto Patronum!

Ino: Hey look Shika, there's a deer! Say hi to your animal buddies!

Shikamaru: Hi?

**4) **A good enemy HAS to be racist. It's mandatory! Diss other races like your life depends on it. Cuss like you never cussed before. But if other people disses you, show them absolutely no mercy. Bad guys are unfair and mean. Show those hobos some lessons and make them your slaves. If you can't defend yourself and be racist, go and jump off a cliff you shameful brat. And don't you dare paint your nails, a shameful person like you can NEVER practice the sacred rituals of villains.

Sasuke: Cheh...sacred rituals my ass-

Some guy: Hey you, you obsessed nail-painter!

Itachi: You talking to me?

Some guy: Yeah I'm talking to you, you little Asian butt. Go back to your sticking raw country and make rice patties. While you're at it, go masturbate some math equations!

Itachi: You have some damn nerves to diss my race. Go back to_ your _fucking country and masturbate your mama because Asians are going to take over the world someday. So what if we can do math? You can do no jack, so go jump off a cliff with your mama asswipe.

Sasuke: Ouch...

Naruto: I'm glad I'm an Asian...0.0

Kakashi: My...such potty-mouths.

Lee: -Cries- WHY?! The a-cursed language.

Neji: We're destined to cuss.

Gai: -Sobs- WHY?!

Lee: Oh...my youthful soul burns...

Gai: My youthful soul burns with you my _son..._

Everyone: 0.0...my son?

**5) **Heh...finally this idiotic thing has come to an end. Can't believe I even did this...Anyways, if you want to be a fudging good enemy remember the golden rule. **Do unto others the way you don't want them to do it unto you**!

Sasuke: Hey look _dear_ brother...-smirks- I painted my nails!

Itachi: ...

Sasuke: Ha! And it's black! –Show's off his hand-

Sakura: Sasuke-kun!! Nooooooooo...-cries-

She hates guys who paints their nails you see.

Itachi: You know that teddy bear that you always hugged when you use to go to sleep? I was the one who ripped its head off.

Sasuke: Noooo!!! IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG! You killed Elmo!

Sakura: E-Elmo?!!

Naruto: What kind of a name is that bastard? Hahahaha...

Sasuke: Shut up! At least I didn't name my teddy bear Pickles!

Hinata: P-Pickles?!!

DAK: Sorry to interrupt, but our time is up. It's time to end the chapter!

Itachi: You're not going to have that stupid fox do his little word of the chapter thingy are you?

DAK: Of-

Naruto: Of course I am!! It's like the main reason why the readers ever bother to read these guides!

Itachi: Retarded mutt...whatever...I'm going to go paint my nails.

DAK: Byee-

Naruto: Mwahahah!! Now it's my turn to take the spotlight!! The word of the chapter issss:

**Word. Of. The. Chapter.**

Shuttle Cocks: (Shuttle-cocks) Shuh-tle Caw-ks. 2 definitions found.

Definition 1 (Noun):

An object used in a sport called badminton, also commonly known as a birdie.

Definition 2 (Noun):

A rooster in space.

Sasuke: Definition number 3, also known as Naruto Junior.

Sakura: -Throws Naruto's nude statue at Naruto-


	10. Acknowledgements

Warning: The End of The End which makes it The End.

DAK: Ok, I'll shut up…for now. –Lee Pose-

Behold, the last chapter of this guide!!

Beware: Boring stuff ahead.

Warning: Language (Little Sasuke-kun is having a potty mouth lately)

* * *

DAK: So, I guess this is the grand finale huh? How do you feel about this Naruto? 

Naruto: Shit

DAK: Oh, I do quite agree…it is sad that it's ending isn't it?

Sasuke: Hehe, what he means is, he's feelings like shitting. You know, aka, "number 2"

Naruto: You piece of shit! Like you don't shit yourself!

Sasuke: Of course I shit, who doesn't? At least I'm not afraid to admit I shit!

Naruto: I never said I was afraid to say I shit! Wanna compare who can shit better?! You, Me, Right now! TO THE TOILET! It's shitting time!

Sakura: SHUT THE HELL UP BOTH OF YOU! YOU GUYS ARE SICK!

-ANYWAYS-

DAK: Cough…So how do you feel about this Itachi?

Itachi: -No Comment-

Sasuke: Psh, he's too busy attempting to be a fucking emo to care.

Itachi: I'm the emo? Last time I checked, you were the one blinded by revenge.

Sasuke: Last time I checked, you were the one that fucking paints his fucking nails!

Orochimaru: My, my Sasuke _hiss_ kun _hiss_….. you sure cuss a lot _hiss…_

Sasuke: Nobody asked you Oreo! And who said you could appear in this story?!

Naruto: HAHA, I bet Sasuke couldn't live a chapter without swearing!!

Sasuke: Oh yeah?

Naruto: Oh yeah!

Sakura: Sighh…I guess I'll say it for both of them…let the war begin.

**Ping Pong Pang**

**And now! Let the Acknowledgements Commence!**

DAK: So I guess you guys have been wondering, WHO had won this story's contest? Well before I announce that, it is time to put the word 'acknowledgements' to its use.

Of course, DAK has a brilliant mind –cough- but not all the tips in guide are made up by that brilliant mind –cough- so!! Since because DAK believes in crediting so much, it is time to CREDIT! –rawr-

Side note: Authors out there better credit too! Don't give me that shit about oh, how everything is just a coincidence and you happen to get the same idea as others or how they look similar. Credit damnit! It won't hurt to do that! If you knew that they looked simlar then obviously, you were influenced by that. Yes, smite me oh mighty smiter! –Credit: Bruce Almight- There, I've even given you an example, now SHOO! And Credit! –Rawr-

Warning: You can just skip all of this if you want haha, and scroll done until you see the words FINALLY!

Let the crediting begin! Starting from….

**Naruto's Guide **

-Tip 2: Always have extra gas in your butt. It could be handy sometimes and could even help you win over your enemies! –Cough- Kiba –Cough-

Credit: A picture xD

DAK: If you want me to send you the picture, just ask. Chances are, I still have it. If not, too bad ha!

-Tip 7: Kawaii no Jutsu

Credit: A picture xD

**Sasuke's Guide: **

-Tip 2: Dealing with: People who trash talk about you and laugh at you

Credit: A picture xD

-Naruto's version of the Uchiha Showdown

Credit: A picture xD

Naruto: I can't believe you tainted Sakura-chan's mouth by French kissing her!!! YOU EVIL BUTT IN THE HEAD!

Sasuke: Jealous? You piece of _shit_ake mushroom!

Lee: What? I thought I was supposed to be the youthful mushroom…

Gai: Don't worry my youthful student! You will always be the youthful mushroom in my eyes!

Lee: Gai-sensei!

Gai: Lee!

Lee: Gai-sensei!

Gai: Lee!

Lee: Gai-sen- -trips-

**Sakura's Guide**

-Tip 3,6,7: Ways a detestable monkey will ask you out.

Credit: Chain letter xD

Naruto: Finally! Something other than a damn picture!

Neji: She was destined to use pictures. Oh look...she does have a destiny after all...

Sakura: What the hell does that mean?

-Tip 4: When a hot monkey asks you out.

Credit: Martin Mystery….alright, alright…I used to watch that show alright?! Sheesh…

**Lee's Guide**

Lee: YOSH! My lovely guide with youthfulness on top! –eye's sparkle-

-Tip 5: Definitions of burping.

Credit: Shrek 1

DAK: Who would've guessed!! –le Gasp!!-

Lee: Oh, my youthful secret is not so youthful anymore. I apologize youthful readers. –youthful tears fall down-

Tenten: It's ok Lee

Neji: I guess you were destined to lose your youthfulness…not that you were any youthful before.

Lee: -le Gasp- The youthful truth REVEALS!! I-I'm….not youthful?!!

Gai: No Lee! No! You're youthful!! You're the most youthful person to me!

Lee: Gai-sensei!

Gai: Lee!

Lee: Gai-sensei!

-Tsunami crashes in the background-

Gai: HEY! I didn't order a tsunami! I ordered waves!

DAK: Oops, sorry…

-Waves crashes in the background-

**Kakashi's Guide**

Gai: Oh look, its Kakashi's guide, Lee's guide is better! Harumph!

- Act 2: Conflict: If you get caught in class sleeping.

Credit: Chain Letter xD

- Ad Alert: Cinnamon Toast Crunch! By you're very own destiny Neji freak.

Credit: A picture xD

- Act 5: Naruto think his butt is special and if he were to replace it, the readers would feel emotionally insulted.

Credit: Will Smith… you got that right!

- Act 6,9: Excuses for sleeping in class.

Credit: Chain Letter xD

- Act 7: Excuses for report cards

Credit: Youtube (go ask DAK for link)

Sasuke: Cheh, you sure stole a lot of tips from other people.

Kakashi: It's called using your resources Uchiha dear –Pulls out his beloved book-

**Jaraiya's Guide**

Jaraiya: -Ding- Oooh, talking about all this crediting is just too sexy! I have another idea for my next book!

Tsunade: Think again hermit brain –punch-

- Tip 3: How to become a girl.

Credit: This British novel

- Puppet Show

Credit: Lanie-chan!

Naruto: How can you get horny just by thinking about credits?!

Jaraiya: -le gasps- I am not horny! I am being inspired by a natural urge inside me! And it is NOT called horny! It's called wonders of inspiration!

Sasuke: Dobe, speak for yourself.

Naruto: I am not horny! At least I don't hang out with a perverted girl, a homosexual senin, a weird looking fish head, and a nature freak!

Oreo: Oh my _hiss..._ a homosexual freak? I think I like that name...

Karin: HEY! Are you talking about us?!!

Suigetsu: I think he was, if you can't tell with that puny brain of yours.

Juugo: I don't mind being a nature freak.

Sasuke: You are such a f.u.c.k.

Naruto: Oh my god!! You broke the bet! You swore! Not so mighty now are you ha!

Sasuke: Psh, its not a swear word. People just makes it a swear word. To me, it stands for

Fricken

Ugly

Crap-filled

Kid

Sasuke: Or…in your case: a Fricken Ugly Crap-filled Kyuubi.

Naruto: Whyy youuuuu-

Sakura: Sasuke-kun, who is this red haired bitch?

**Tsunade's Guide**

-Tip 1,2,5,6,10: Ways to Bash

Credit: Bash dot com… xD

-Tip 3: Indian guy

Credit: Russell Peters

Oreo: Wow, you stole more tips than Kakashi

Tsunade: Shut up cookie!! At least I'm not dead!...Technically dead...err...whatever...

**Itachi's Guide **

Harry Schneider: ACK who's that?!

Oreo: -Looks around-

Harry Schneider: IT'S LORD VOLDAMORT!!

Oreo: -Looks around-

Kabuto: -Cough- I think he means you sir.

Oreo: Me?! _Hisss….._

Harry Schneider: Avada Kadavra!! Alakazam! Bam!

Readers: -Waits for credits-

DAK: Sorry, all of Itachi's tips are original. I guess he's just too good to be true xD

Itachi Fans: -Faints- He sure is a hunk!

Harry Potter/Schneider: A honk? Honky Tonks?

Itachi Fans: A HUNK! Dieee you foreign bastard!! –Fan Laser-

Harry Potter/Schneider: Noooo….father…Lily…Ron…Help me!! –Dies-

FINALLY!

DAK: And that's all for credits folks! That wasn't too bad now was it? Hehe…the other tips that have not been credited either came from my life experiences or my mind hehe...and NOW! Drum roll please!

-Drum Rolls-

DAK: It is time to announce the winner of this collection of guide! Who was the most popular guide of all? Which one recieved the most reviews? Welllllllllll...the answer is...

-

-

-

-

SASUKE!!!

Naruto: GASPS!!

Kakashi: GASPS!!

Lee: Sniff...Sasuke is a formidable rival...

Sakura: Yay you won!!

Sasuke: -Eyebrow twitches- I did?

DAK: Bet you can never guess who came in second.

Naruto: Who? Who? Who?

DAK: Guess.

Naruto: Me?

DAK: Nope, its Jaraiya!!

Jaraiya: Holy!! I guess it was inevitable that the awesome Jaraiya would win!

Tsunade: He's blinded you readers! Why?! Why?!

If you have any problems with the guide or any complaints or praise, please press the review button at the bottom left corner. Or you can dial 1-800-Narutard. If none of these options satisfy your need to express yourself, you can email the following creators of this guide. Some of the email addresses will not be shown for some characters requested for privacy.

Note: You can try these emails if you want, but I suggest you email DAK first before attempting to do anything. –Smiles-

Please email the following if you have any questions...

Naruto: **pokeruto-ramen-master at hotmail dot com**

Sasuke: **hot-male at hotmail dot com** (yeah you got that right!)

Sakura: **forehead-power at hotmail dot com**

Lee: **sexy-green-beast at hotmail dot com**

Kakashi: **itcha-kaka-itcha-kaka at hotmail dot com**

Jaraiya: **hot-hermit-booty at hotmail dot com**

Itachi: **black-nails-ftw at hotmail dot com**

Shikamaru: **shika-bon-bon-shika-bon-bon at hotmail dot com**

Ino:** pig-of-the-hill at hotmail dot com**

Kiba: **who-let-the-dawg-out at hotmail dot com**

Konohamaru: **santa-rulz at hotmail dot com**

DAK: Well that's it dear readers!! We're sad that it ended but we had fun!! I guess this is the end! Thanks for reading!! Ciao for now!

DAK signing out!

-

Naruto: Don't miss us too much!

Kiba: Yeah, because we're like in every story on this website.

Sakura: Sasuke-kun, who was that bitch?

Karin: You talking about me?!

Sakura: Yeah, I'm talking about you! –Glare-

Karin: Well Sasuke is MINE!

Sakura: No, he's MINE!

Karin: Mine!

Sakura: Mine!

Sasuke: Shut the hell up both of you!

Naruto: Why?! Why?!! What's so special about that bastard?!

Lee: Yosh! I youthfully understand how you feel youthful Naruto!! My youthful heart breaks whenever I hear youthful Sakura and her youthful cries for youthful Sasuke!

Kakashi: Really? I think it's quite refreshing. Reminds me of Itcha Itcha Paradise! -Jaraiya smiles proudly-

Karin: Psh what about my cries of love?!

Sasuke: Karin, just shut up.

Sakura: You heard that Karin? –smirks-

Karin: What did you say bitch?!

Sasuke: Ughh…just shut up slut, personally, I think it's disgusting how you stalk me.

Naruto: -Gasps- You just said slut!! That's a swear word.

Sasuke: Whatever... I can swear whenever I want!

Naruto: You losttt the bet!!!

Sasuke: I don't care about the bet. That fricking slut just dissed my future girlfriend.

ALL: GASPS!!

Sakura: -Gushes-

Sasuke: I guess I don't have any secrets now huh Kakashi.

Kakashi: Damn...

-

DAK: Yeah sorry…I had an uncontrollable sasusaku fandom there haha. Anyway, I now pronounce this guide FINISHED!

**Ever having problems in life? Well, this guide has your answer! Come and read this guide created by your favourite ninjas in Konoha ****again****! Hehe, we know you want to! **

Fin

The Guide to Everything Inc..,** ©** Published by Dark Angelic Kitty co. 2006-200X **©**


End file.
